The Motion of the Ocean

They say "It's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean". They're of course saying this to make men feel better about their inadequate, erm, boats. After all, it's not the type of boat that matters, apparently, but how you steer it. (But may I state a preference for a fibreglass hull rather than a rubber duck?)

That said, for once my head isn't in the gutter. My metaphor refers to the man, not his boat. You see, some guys are like those speedboats or powerboats or whatever you call them that the celebrities hang out on. You know the ones you see on the French Riviera or around the Greek Isles. They're sexy and fast and slick and even if you don't know your boat from your ship you'd be blind and/or on crack not to admire them and even to salivate a bit.

And then there are some guys that don't initially make your ovaries drop. They're like the sailing boat wading through the water. The catamaran drifting in the bay. The West Coast fishing boat bobbing on the waves. It's not the vroom or the vavavavoom that gets you - it's the way they make you feel. As if you're lying on the deck looking at the blue blue sky rocking to and fro with the waves lapping against the sides. The quietness and calm they bring inside you. The hope and upliftment they promise. Like a pocket full of air in an airless life.

That's what some guys do. And before you know it, all you're doing is staring out at the ocean hoping to see a mast appear on the horizon.

Oh how I wish you were here this week to soothe my soul...

xx

J

PRAWN SPRING ROLLS WITH VIETNAMESE DIPPING SAUCE

350g Prawns peeled and chopped up
1/2c Coleslaw mix (cabbage and carrot)
1 Clove garlic crushed
2 Spring onions chopped 
1/2 Lime zest and juice
1/2 Chilli deseeded and chopped
1/2c Shiitake mushrooms
2T Kikkoman soya sauce
1/2t Sesame oil
1/4t Sugar
1/4t Black pepper
1 Small egg separated
12 Large springroll wrappers (10")

Cover the mushrooms with warm water and soak for about 20 minutes until soft then chop up finely. Blanch the coleslaw mix in boiling water for a couple of minutes then drain and rinse with cold water. Mix together all the ingredients except for the yolk.

Lay your wrapper pointed side up like a diamond. Brush the top and side corners with yolk. Spoon about 3T of the mix onto the middle of the wrapper horizontally. Bring the two side corners into the middle. Bring the bottom unyolked corner in and roll up towards the top one. Fold over and seal. 

Deep fry at 175C for about 2-3 minutes each side until nicely browned. Serve with dipping sauce.

Vietnamese Dipping Sauce

20ml Sugar
20ml Fish sauce
20ml White vinegar
1/4 Lime zest and juice
2 Cloves garlic crushed
1 Chilli deseeded and chopped

Dissolve the sugar in 45ml warm water. Allow to cool then add the rest of the ingredients.

DEEP FRIED CALAMARI WITH LEMON GARLIC MAYONNAISE

My dad and I painstakingly tested four different methods to bring you the best deep fried calamari.

Clockwise from top left: Floured then into icewater; Flour/egg/water batter; Floured then refrigerated; Floured then into egg. The winner, unanimously, was the last one.

500g Calamari tubes cut into 1cm rings
250g Flour
1/2t Cayenne pepper
1/2t Smoked paprika
1/2t Salt
2 Eggs whisked

Heat the oil to 180C. Mix together the flour and seasoning. Dip the rings into the flour mixture, then the egg, then straight into the oil. Fry for 2-3 minutes, drain on kitchen towel then serve with lemon garlic mayonnaise.  

Lemon Garlic Mayonnaise

4T Mayonnaise (creamy, not tart)
1/2 Lemon juice only
2 Cloves garlic crushed
3 Sprigs dill chopped

Mix together and season to taste.

Seeds and Feeds of Love

I show love with food. I show thanks with food. I show I care with food. I don't know how else to do it. I'm not big on saying how I feel unless it's on paper or cyberspace. I can't do it face to face due to my high emotional eruption point - I start crying around the "I" of "I love you".

My parents and I have found a casual version of love confirmation for when we part, almost like a little verbal wave. "Luvya." This is frequently tossed over the shoulder like an afterthought. It sounds no more important than "later dude". But we know it means we love each other. We just wouldn't dream of actually saying it.

But for my brother and I even saying "Luvya" is going too far. Can you imagine?! We'd lose face completely. He'd have to hit me to restore the balance. So how I show it is by making him food every opportunity I get and how he shows it is by taking charge of things in my life that I'm incapable, unwilling or disinterested in bothering with. Like my balder-than-Kojak tyres. Or, currently, my garden. I don't have a green bone in my body. I have trees and viney things in my back garden and a lemon tree in the front. I don't hate botanical objects and bear them no grudges. But if they grow on my premises they're on their own. If they live they live. And if they die they die. I don't pluck I don't prune and the only way you're getting water at my house is if you ask for it or bark for it.

However, in his roundabout loving way my boet has now brought various flower infested greenery and planted them in pots all around my house and on the bamboo trellis he made for me. He's also replacing my front lawn with stones. There are even bulby things in the front and, God help me, a cutesy picket fence.

Am I ungrateful? NO. I love my brother (he doesn't read my blog so it's safe to say so). In fact, I idolise and adore him. And there's the rub. Because not only do I fear that I will kill everything he planted, but there simply isn't enough food in the world that I can make to show him how much it means to me that he wants to give me something pretty.

xx

J

CHOCOLATE CAKE AND CUPCAKES
 

 

This recipe is ridiculously good. It makes one big cake in 2 x 23cm cake tins. But I found these dead cool 18cm cake tins. So I used half the recipe to make a gorgeous 18cm cake and the other half to make 18 cupcakes. Double score! 

2c Flour

2c Sugar

3/4c Cocoa

2t Baking soda

1t Baking powder

2 Eggs

1t Salt

1c Buttermilk

1c Oil

1.5t Vanilla essence

1c Boiling Water

Mix together everything but the boiling water for about a minute. Add the boiling water. Butter two cake tins and split the mix between the two tins. Bake at 300F for 50 minutes - 1 hour.

I like to fill the middle with Nestle Caramel and the top with Coffee or Vanilla Icing. And if I'm feeling really kitchy (which I often do), I decorate with Astros or M&M's.

Vanilla/Coffee Icing

1/3c Butter

2&2/3c Icing sugar

2.5T Milk

1t Vanilla extract

1t Instant coffee powder (if making coffee icing)

Put everything in a mixer and mix on medium high for about 5 minutes. If making coffee icing heat the milk and stir in the coffee to dissolve. Allow to cool completely before adding to the other ingredients.

IRISH CREAM LIQUEUR

1c Cream

1 Tin condensed milk

1c Whiskey

1t Instant coffee powder (dissolved in 1t boiling water)

2T Chocolate syrup

1t Vanilla extract

1/2t Almond extract

Mix everything together. Serve on crushed ice or hell, just down it.

Trauma TLC

So I just went to the gynae for the first time in 8 years. Yes I know, not the right blog for this particular subject but I'm feeling sorry for myself so please allow me to vent. I promise not to go into anatomical detail. And don't worry, all the recipes below are not only vegetarian but also applicable - nothing soothes trauma like potatoes and cheese and crumbs and cream.

My last visit to a gynae was horrible. (Well, all my visits have been horrible but luckily thanks to early onset of Alzheimer's I don't remember the ones prior to that one). But at the last one I started with that hiccuppy snorty slurpy gaspy kind of sobbing the moment I put on the gown. You know the way kids cry, with a complete lack of abandon and with a frightening amount of tears and mucus? Just like that. And for the record - I warned the receptionist AND the gynae beforehand that this would happen. And you know what the bitch says while I'm crying my heart out with my one leg in China and my other leg in Chile? "You need help". And not in a nice way. BITCH.

Hence my 8 year hiatus. But I dug deep and conjured the brave me and found a new gynae. To be fair, she was kinder. To be fair, I took enough drugs to make a nun do a strip tease on a bar counter. But it was still horrible. And though I didn't sob I still cried. And now I have to go for my first mammogram. The good thing is it's booked for Valentine's Day so at least I can tell people I got some action. With the medical equivalent of a snackwich maker. Ah, good times.

I think it's unfair that us women have to have the monthly agony and the yearly gynae and the baby that can be inserted via something the size of a hose but that requires to be ejected via something the size of a sluice. It's sexist I tell you. And I'm going to complain. As soon as I finish this mug of brandy. (Don't worry, I added 2T of coke).

xx
J

POTATO CROQUETTES

1kg Potatoes peeled and chopped

2T Parsley chopped

60g Parmesan grated

4 Eggs

100g Mozzarella cut into 16 pieces (aim for rectangles not squares)

100g Breadcrumbs

Cover the potatoes with water and boil until soft. Drain and mash until very fine. Return to the heat and stir for a few minutes to dry out completely. Add the parsley, parmesan and 2 of the eggs. Shape into 16 sausages. Make a slice in the middle and put in the mozzarella. Roll to reshape. Mix together the other 2 eggs. Dip the croquettes in the egg then into the breadcrumbs. Fry for 1-2 minutes at 165C and drain before serving. 

VICHYSSOISE 

I made this soup for Fabs because she had a creepy gland removal operation and can only swallow liquids. But neither the reason nor the photo does this soup justice - it's classy and subtle and delicious.

100g Butter

2 Onions chopped

300g Leeks thinly sliced

1/4c White wine

150g Potatoes peeled and thinly sliced

400ml Chicken stock

400ml Milk

3T Cream

1/4c Chives chopped

Melt the butter and add the onions and leeks. Fry slowly for about 10 - 15 minutes. Add the wine and fry for a couple of minutes. Add the potatoes and stock and simmer slowly until the potatoes are soft. Liquidise until very smooth. Add the milk and cream then season. Put in the fridge to chill (it's traditionally a cold soup but you can serve it heated if you prefer). Sprinkle over the chives before serving.

Mac 'n Wheeze

What the hell is it with this weather?! What horrific hell IS this weather? It's been 30-gazillion degrees for four days without letting up. And I've been driving around between Tokai and Milnerton in my airconless car. You have no idea how hot plastic seats get. I don't know what the temperature is in there but I'm convinced I've started emanating a faint smell of steak by now. 

To add to my appeal I look like those women in the movies who are in the final hours of giving birth. Hair sticking to a face slick with sweat, flushed as a cooked crayfish, wheezing and panting like a geriatric dog. And like those birthing mothers I've also developed a mild case of Tourettes and taken to screaming at complete strangers...

I've got nothing against Global Warming I just don't want it to happen where I'm at. Why can't it be endemic to North Korea or Iraq or Bloemfontein? Better yet, why did I have to have my one measly little life during this tortuous period of Global Warming and not during the lovely refreshing Ice Age? I can already picture it. Christmas 365 days a year, fires and furs and fiery furry cavemen. Woolly mammoth rib eye steaks with mushroom sherry sauce. Giant ground sloth stew with pearl onions and baby potatoes.

I know. It makes no sense. Where would I get vegetables during the Ice Age? How would Ork and I fight off the sabre tooth tigers? Most importantly, how would I survive without alcohol? I know, it makes no sense. 

But @#*!% OFF I'M @#*!% HOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xx

J     

PRAWNS WRAPPED IN POTATO RIBBONS

Jenny and Ati bought a Spyro-Gyro which turns vegetables into linguine like strips. Their raw-food-eating friend used it to spyro sweet potato into "pasta". I tried it with butternut. And got spastic colon. But then I did it with potato. Wrapped around prawns. Deepfried. NOW you're talking!!

1 Spyro-Gyro (I can't see how you can do this manually unless you're dead bored)

10 Prawns decapitated peeled cleaned but leave tail on

1 Large potato peeled

1t Turmeric

1/2t Peri-peri

1/4c Sweet chilli sauce

Marinade the prawns in the turmeric, peri-peri, salt, pepper and a cup of water for half an hour. Create potato ribbons then wrap around each prawn, tying the ends like a bow. Heat the oil until pretty hot then carefully lower into the oil and fry for about a minute. Drain and serve with sweet chilli sauce. 

MAC 'N CHEESE

500g Macaroni

500g Bacon chopped and fried until crispy

2 Tins tomatoes

1/4c Fresh basil / 2t Dried basil

2 Cloves garlic crushed

8T Butter

1/2c Flour

5.5c Milk

1/4t Nutmeg

1/4t English mustard

1/4t Black pepper

1/4t Cayenne pepper

1.5c Breadcrumbs

4.5c Cheddar cheese grated

1.5c Pecorino grated

Bring the tomatoes, basil and garlic to a boil then turn down to simmer and reduce for about 20 minutes. Season well. Butter a baking dish and spread the tomato in the bottom. Cook the macaroni until almost done. When draining do it with cold water to prevent it from cooking further - you want it a tad undercooked. Melt 6T butter then add the flour and cook for a couple of minutes. Add a little of the milk and whisk. Keep adding and whisking until you have a smooth white sauce then add the spices and season. Stir in 3c cheddar and 1c Pecorino until melted. Add the macaroni, then the bacon and mix well. Pour over the tomato spread. Sprinkle over the rest of the cheese then top with the crumbs. Melt the other 2T butter and drizzle over. Bake for about 20 minutes at 375F then check and cover with foil if required. Bake for another 10 minutes. Allow to stand for at least 10 minutes before serving.  

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

My brother became a dad for the second time this morning. I love my gorgeous little niece, especially now that she can speak which means she upgraded from large foetus to little human. But I'm so happy we have a boy. Girls aren't easy. They're little petri dishes for anxiety. I have to worry about molestation and rape and weight, not to mention whether I should get a Smith & Wesson or an AK47 for any bastard that breaks her heart. But a boy? A little dude? Easy peasy!

I'm not the world's best aunty. I don't babysit. I don't play. Hell, it's taken me 3 years to understand what my niece says and frankly the conversation topics are a little infantile for my taste. So I do what I can. I knit (badly but persistently) and I cook. Unlike pretending to drink tea out of an empty cup the size of my thumbnail, cooking is a doddle.

I'm assuming that the first week is going to be a tad difficult with my little nephew screaming blue bloody murder either because he needs something to go in or he needs something to come out. Not to mention my little niece screaming blue bloody murder because for 3 years she's been the bees' knees and now she's going to have her first taste of jealousy and rejection. So I'm making my brother and his wife meals to carry them through the first few nights. I'm sure it won't completely ward off the insanity that their lives are about to become, but hopefully it will ease them into it.

As for my little dude, I look forward to just enjoying him without having to stress. Except about bullying and fights and height, not to mention whether I should get a Smith & Wesson or an AK47 for any bitch that breaks his heart.

Oh...crap.

xx

J

Note: I wanted to make 8 meals with 5 pieces of chicken in each. So I bought 5 chickens and cut them up into 10 drumsticks and 10 thighs. I split the breasts on the bone in half giving me another 20 pieces. I've been wanting to make chicken stock for a while so I used the wings, backs and gizzards for that. So all that was left was making the rice for each meal and they'd be sorted.

 

CHICKEN LEMON AND OLIVE CASSEROLE

20 Pieces of chicken

8 Cloves garlic crushed

1t Paprika

1t Turmeric

1t Cumin

1t Cinnamon

2t Salt

1/2c Olive oil

8 Onions roughly chopped

1 Green pepper roughly chopped

1 Yellow pepper roughly chopped

4 Lemons - cut off pithy sides then slice the rest thinly

2c Green pitted olives

1t Saffron

Mix together the garlic, spices and olive oil. Rub over the chicken and marinade overnight. Fry the onions and peppers until soft. Add the chicken and fry until lightly browned. Cover with the lemon slices, sprinkle over the saffron and cover with water. Cover and cook for about 25 minutes until done. Remove the chicken and thicken the sauce with some maizena. Return the chicken, add the olives and mix through. 

CHICKEN CHORIZO AND CHICKPEA CASSEROLE

20 Pieces of chicken

1kg Chorizo sliced

3 Tins chickpeas

4 Onions sliced

4 Cloves garlic sliced

8 Carrots peeled and chopped

4 Sticks celery chopped

3 Chillis chopped

1t Paprika

1c Red wine

400ml Sherry

4 Tins tomatoes

800ml Chicken stock

Fry the chicken until lightly browned. Remove. Fry the onions, garlic, carrots, celery, chilli and paprika for about 5 minutes. Add the red wine and cook for another 5 minutes. In a separate pan fry the chorizo until crispy. Add the sherry to the chorizo and cook for a few more minutes. Add the tomatoes to the vegetables and bring to the boil. Simmer for 5 minutes then add the stock and bring back up to the boil. Add the chorizo, chickpeas and sherry and cook for about 25 minutes until done. Remove the chicken and thicken the sauce with some maizena. Return the chicken and mix through. 

CHICKEN STOCK

3kg Chicken carcass and gizzards

5 Pieces of celery roughly chopped (don't use the leaves they'll make it bitter)

5 Carrots peeled and roughly chopped

4 Onions peeled and quartered

4 Cloves garlic peeled then bruised

6 Bay leaves

1T Black peppercorns

1/2c Thyme

1/2c Parsley

Put everything in a large pot, cover with water and bring to the boil. Turn down to a low heat and simmer for about 3 hours. Strain then pour the liquid back into the pot. Bring to the boil then reduce to about a quarter to concentrate. Season to taste. Freeze in an ice cube tray and once hard put the blocks in a ziploc bag. When you need chicken stock dissolve a block in about 200ml boiling water. Btw I wouldn't use home made stock where the purpose is simply to provide flavoured water. It's strictly for dishes in which the stock is important enough to become part of the taste.

Exerfries

My parents bought me a deep fryer for Xmas. It must have been a parental Freudian slip. These are the same people who used to drop subtle hints about liposuction ("you REALLY should get liposuction") and created shrewd little games to inspire healthy eating ("we'll PAY you to lose weight").

Of course this new toy will have to mean more exercise. And it would have been nice not to have to do it on the "dreadmill". I always thought if I got dogs we'd be romping on the beach or ambling through the forest but thanks to my one dog's diabetes we're limited to short walks around the neighbourhood. Which would have counted as exercise if they would just walk like normal dogs. But no.

The first 100 metres my collarbone gets a workout as I try to balance out Boo the husky (who thinks I'm a sleigh) with Nina the portly Alsatian mix (who thinks I'm a tugboat). Once that's over we move onto the eyeball workout. Because that's the only part of me that gets any exercise. Step step sniff. Step step sniff. Sigh. Step step. Sniff. Sigh. I lose more calories rolling round in my sleep. The only place I might lose some weight would be in my spine since Boo has recently taken to the multipoo aka the droppabloc, which means a lot of bending and stretching with poo bags on every second corner.

So I guess the treadmill it will have to be. Because if that deep fryer's getting a workout, I'm sure as hell going to need one too!

Oh and Mom and dad - I think you buying me a fattening kitchen implement means you put what would make me happy ahead of your fat-daughter-fears. And I truly love you for that.

xx

J

PRAWN & VEGETABLE TEMPURA

Tempura recipes are a bit annoying. You see, you need a bloody yolk, but then the ratio of flour/water to that requires you to make tempura for an army. Army guys are hot but they drink a lot. So it's cheaper to throw away most of the yolk.

12 Prawns - Shelled and deveined but keep the tail on it looks nice

1 Red pepper - Cut into 12 thumb sized pieces

3 Baby marrows - Sliced lengthwise into 12 pieces
1.5t Egg yolk
175ml Ice water
100g Flour

2T Soy sauce

1T Sherry

1T Rice wine vinegar

2T Spring onion finely sliced

2T Water.

Mix together the soy, sherry, vinegar, spring onion and water to make the dip. Heat oil to 
180C. Whisk the yolk into the ice water then add the flour (don't worry if it's lumpy). Dip the veg/prawns into the batter then immediately into the oil. Give it about 1-2 minutes (it's not supposed to be dark) then drain and serve immediately. 

FRIED CHICKEN AND COLESLAW

Marinade 

4 Chicken thighs
4 Chicken drumsticks
500ml Cream
2 Eggs
4 Cloves garlic crushed
1/2t Paprika
1 Chilli chopped
1 Spring onion sliced
1t Dried thyme
1 Lemon - juice only

Put everything into a large ziplog bag and massage it together. Leave to marinade overnight. 

Fried Chicken

2c Flour

1t Salt
1/2t Black pepper
1/2t Paprika
1/2t Cayenne

Mix together all the ingredients and put into a bowl. Remove the chicken from the marinade. Take the chicken pieces, dip into the flour, back into the marinade then back into the flour, creating a double crust. Deep fry at 150C for around 15 minutes. 

Coleslaw 

1c Red coleslaw thinly sliced
1c Green coleslaw thinly sliced
3 Carrots grated
3 Spring Onions sliced
1c Mayonnaise
1T Wholegrain mustard

Mix everything together and season. Try to make it a few hours before, it gets better once the flavours develop.

Coocoo Kugel

I don't like to be noticed, I'm much too insecure. I shun make up or jewellery or accessories or clothing that will make someone look my way. But when it comes to cooking I free my inner kugel. Other kugels page through a magazine and notice the handbag with ridiculously elaborate tussles or buckles or blingy stuff and whatnot. Me? I notice the dish with ridiculously elaborate mousses or foams or drizzly stuff and whatnot.  

My kugel style cooking isn't new. I remember the first official dinner I cooked for my family. Not a meal, a dinner. (The difference being that if I cook you a meal a thank you will suffice but if I cook you a dinner I require oohs and aahs.) I think I was around 12 years old at the time and I made Smoked Beef with Champagne Sauce. Which would be an unusual dish even today with food fusion being all the rage. But in the 80's? I would give anything to remember what magazine had the balls to print such an outrageous recipe back then, but hats off to them, and hell, to me, for leaping into the future! (And hats off to my family for eating it. No wonder my brother used to beat me up...)

So I thought I'd start off the year with an extravagant little Food & Home dish with lots of bling. It also seemed like a good way to hone my culinary skills, kick things up a notch. Of course, when I made that ambitious decision, I didn't quite anticipate what a pain in the ass it was going to be. It really is annoying to prep four items and you still don't have something solid on your plate. Then again, my fellow kugel schleps her way through manis and pedis and waxes and she still might not get something solid on her date... Oy vey!

xx

J 

CHICKEN BREAST AND ASPARAGUS WITH PEA MOUSSE, 
YOGHURT MOUSSE AND TRUFFLE SAUCE 

Pea Mousse

100g Frozen peas
1 Leaf gelatin
1T Mint leaves
2T Cream
1/2t Lemon juice

Cover the gelatin leaf with water and soak for 5 minutes. Blanch the peas in 125ml boiling water for a minute or so. Add the mint and process until fairly smooth. Strain and discard the dregs. Stir the gelatin leaf into the strained liquid until dissolved, season and add the lemon juice and cream. Chill for a couple of hours until set.

Yoghurt Mousse

100ml Bulgarian yoghurt
100ml Cream
1 Leaf gelatin

Cover the gelatin leaf with water and soak for 5 minutes. Stir into 1T of hot water until dissolved then add the yoghurt and cream. Chill for a couple of hours until set.

Lemon Pith Pectin 

I have remade this according to the recipe three times. The recipe makes NO sense. I even emailed them last year - no response. This is my version of a crappy recipe with a good taste.

2 Lemons
4T Sugar

Use a peeler to get rid of the zest, cut off the pith and chop up. Squeeze out all the juice from what's left of the lemons and add the pips and entrails to the pith. Cover with cold water and bring to the boil then drain and rinse well at least three times to get rid of most of the bitterness in the pith. Bring back to the boil with the 400ml of the water and 2T of the sugar. Simmer for about half an hour then drain, separating the pith from the pectin (the liquid) but keeping both. Bring the pectin to the boil. Add 2T of the pith and the other 2T sugar and simmer until the sugar has dissolved. Process until smooth and taste. If necessary add a little bit more sugar but it's supposed to be a lovely fresh mix somewhere between bitter and tart.

Truffle Sauce

75ml Chicken stock
1t Truffle oil
2.5T 2% Milk

Bring to the boil then set aside until you need it.

And the Rest

4 Chicken breasts with skin
2c Watercress
24 Asparagus spears
4 Slices ciabatta toasted

Sear the chicken breasts. (I've at last figured out how to prevent chicken from sticking to the pan. You have to let it kiss the pan first. So get the oil very hot and make sure your chicken is firmly on a fork. Then just touch it to the oil. Do it very quickly - like you'd kiss your creepy uncle, not like you'd kiss Robbie Williams. Do the same with the other side. After that it won't stick.) Fry the chicken breasts on medium heat until done. Be careful to keep the skin intact but make sure you brown it nicely. Slice the bottom half of the asparagus spears into rounds then blanch them for a few minutes in boiling salted water. Drain and refresh in ice water. To assemble put some leaves on the plate together with the ciabatta and asparagus. Slice the chicken breast, fan and lay on top of the leaves. Put spoonfuls of the pectin on the sides as well as a scoop of each of the mousses. Foam the truffle sauce with a milk frother and drizzle on the plate. Mazel tov!

New Year's Restorations

In my very first coocoo post I was thinking of Huevos Rancheros, so it seems like a good way to start the New Year. Also, there's no better breakfast when your New Year's Eve consisted of Amarula, gin, champagne and red wine. Probably not the best combination, more like committing very very slow hepatic suicide. What can I say. I HATE New Year's Eve.

I also hate New Year's Resolutions. It's a certain way to start the year feeling like a complete and utter failure. If you can't do it on the 18th of March or the 27th of November what on earth makes you think you can do it on the 1st of January?
 

So with that positive attitude, these are the New Year's Resolutions I'm absolutely sure I'll fail at:

I will be more optimistic – even though this is probably going to be a shit year 

I will be more tolerant – idiots are people too

I will be kinder to myself – it's not entirely my fault I'm unattractive overweight and coocoo

On the other hand, these are the New Year's Resolutions I'm absolutely sure I'll achieve:
 

I will not do the Comrades, the Argus or the Two Oceans
I will not visit Kuwait, Calcutta or Baghdad

I will not have sex with anyone younger than 18 or older than 80

And if I fail at the last one, feeling like a failure might be the least of my problems.

xx

J 

HUEVOS RANCHEROS

1 Onion roughly chopped
2 Red peppers roughly chopped
3 Cloves garlic crushed
2 Chillis chopped
1T Dried chillis
4 Bay Leaves
2 Tins Chopped tomatoes (or 1 plain and 1 Mexican tomatoes)
4 Eggs
150g Chorizo sliced
1c Guacamole
1/2c Sour Cream
1 Ciabatta/French loaf/Portuguese rolls

Obviously the amount of chillis depends on how brave/hungover/still drunk you are. But don't leave them out. It's actually a relief to have the pain shift from your skull to your tongue…

Fry the onion, peppers, chilli, garlic and bay leaves until soft. Add the tinned tomatoes and simmer for 10 minutes or so until it thickens a bit. Season with salt and lots of black pepper. Make wells in the tomatoes and break the eggs into them. Cover and allow the eggs to cook to your preference. Cover a slice of bread with the tomato mixture and an egg. Dot with guacamole and sour cream and tuck in. Trust me, restoration is only a few mouthfuls away!