Xmas Xcess

I miss Xmas. Real Xmas. Not Recession Xmas.

I was informed today that my family agreed behind my overspending back that there is a limit per person of R100. Of course everyone knows the only thing you can buy for under R100 is something that is so crap it will be regifted during the upcoming year when you'll be even poorer than you are now. So half my family already requested the money instead of a gift so it can at least go towards something vaguely worthwhile. Which means the only thing under my Xmas tree will be a bunch of rolled up notes. Which is great when you want to do coke but not so much when you don't.

Remember how Xmas used to be in the good old days? Remember when you didn't have to make arrangements with people that "only the children get presents this year". Or "let's decide on an amount". Or "homemade gifts only". Remember when you didn't have to ask everyone to bring a salad or a dessert or their own booze. Or when you didn't have to settle for chicken cause duck's too expensive. Remember when you didn't have to get "creative" or pretend it's "the thought that counts".

The thought my ass. I want overindulgence overload and overkill. I want to cover my house and my lemon tree and my backyard in lights and get the biggest baddest tree and cover it with so much kitsch it will deserve its star just for staying upright. I want to buy my loved ones anything and everything I see. I want them so tired from unwrapping all their presents they'd need a jack to get them to the table. And once they sit down at the table they will get salmon and caviar and fillet and hell, a gold plated turkey.

I'll make them forget about Aids and murder and politics and debt. I'll make them forget that petrol and food are going up and the environment is going down. Before they know it they'll forget this year sucked because they'll be spoilt, stuffed, satisfied and above all happy. After all, isn't THAT the thought that SHOULD count?

xx
J 

CROWN ROAST OF PORK WITH WILD RICE STUFFING 

(The roast is supposed to be a circle of chops, forming a crown. My picture doesn't look like that because I made half a rib (7/8) for test purposes. For a true crown you need at least double that.)

A crown roast is one of those O.T.T. things I've always loved but never made. You can make it with lamb or pork or, if you have big kahunas (and family members), beef. The recipes were actually few and far between and frequently nauseating. But after lots of research I went with Martha Stewart and, being a novice at this, followed her to the letter. I've amended the recipe below to suit my taste but man, it's awesome. Definitely on the menu!!

The first thing you have to do is, duh, get a crown roast. You can be cool and make it yourself or just go to the butcher and ask them to make it up. For Xmas I'm planning on getting one with about 16 ribs. I've amended the recipe based on that amount.

Wild Rice Stuffing

1/2c Slivered and toasted almonds

6T Olive oil

2 Onions chopped

2 Large pieces of celery chopped

6 Cloves garlic crushed

2T Rosemary chopped

2T Sage chopped

400g Pork sausages squeezed out of casings

1T Fennel seeds

1/2T Smoked paprika

3 Granny Smith apples peeled cored and chopped

1c Dried apricots chopped

1/2c Dried cranberries

1/2c White wine

2.5c Cooked wild rice

1.5c Cooked white rice

2T Butter

Heat 2T olive oil and fry onions, celery and garlic until soft. Season, add the rosemary and sage then increase the heat and cook until the onions and celery is golden. Remove from the pan and stir in the parsley. Heat 2T olive oil and add the sausage, fennel and paprika. Break up the sausage mince and fry until golden. Remove and add to the onions and celery. Heat 2T olive oil and add the apple and fry until soft and brown. Add the wine, scrape up the bits, then cook until all the wine has evaporated. mix in the vegetable and sausage mixture, then add the rice, apricots, cranberries and almonds. Season again. Put into a buttered casserole, dot with butter and cover with foil.

Crown Roast of Pork

16 Rib crown roast of pork

8T Olive oil

Zest of 2 oranges

5 Cloves of garlic crushed

2T Rosemary chopped

1c Dry white wine

2T Apple cider

1.5c Chicken stock

1.5T Butter

2T Flour

Mix together the olive oil, zest, garlic and rosemary. Season the roast then rub with the mixture. Roast in the lower part of the oven at 425F for 15 minutes. Turn heat down to 375F and roast for 1 - 1.5 hours but keep an eye on it to ensure it doesn't burn. If the tops of the ribs get too dark you can wrap the individual bones in bits of foil. When a thermometer inserted in the meatiest part reads 150F the roast is done. Check a couple of places to be sure. Remove the roast from the oven and cover with foil to keep warm. Turn the heat back up to 425F. Put the stuffing in the oven and bake for 20 minutes until hot. Meanwhile get rid of the fat from the pan so you only have the juices left in the pan. (See note below). Add the wine to the pan and boil to reduce by half, scraping all the bits off the bottom. Add the cider and stock and season. Bring back to the boil. Melt the butter and add the flour to form a paste. Slowly add to the boiling sauce while whisking to ensure it mixes smoothly. Strain and keep warm to serve as gravy. Put the roast on a big platter and spoon the rice into the centre before serving. If everyone doesn't bow down to you, send them to KFC and see how they like THAT.     

Note: Spooning fat off juices is a pain, especially if you don't have time to wait for it to congeal (yummy). So what I do is I allow it to cool a little and pour it into a ziploc bag. Hold it over the pot you want it in with one side pointing down and put another container close by. You'll see the fat settles at the top and the juices at the bottom. Using scissors cut off the corner and let the juices poor out, moving it quickly over to the other container the moment you get to the fat part. Make sure you fish the plastic corner out of the gravy though!

Thanksgiving

I've started testing some of my Xmas dishes. Being the coocoocook (emphasis as usual on coocoo) that I am I spent every night last week researching my Xmas Eve dinner and my Xmas Day lunch. And of course, most importantly, there's the testing. I shudder, I shudder, at the thought of presenting a meal for an occasion as hallowed as Xmas without thorough testing of each item. You know that dream where everyone is staring at you and you realise you're naked? That's for sissies. Serving an inferior dish? Now THAT's a nightmare...

This weekend, as a first run, I made six items. Of those - one is in the bin, three will be retested with major amendments and two were great except for a couple of minor tweaks. So as you can imagine, since I've been so focused on Xmas, I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving. But as I was sitting there tasting all the lovely things I'd made and rejoicing at how perfect they were and how much I looked forward to serving them for Xmas, I decided Thanksgiving was in order. I know it's rather unorthodox and probably not in the right spirit of said holiday, but in this instance I decided the one deserving thanks is me.

I've always felt inferior to all the perfect girls that were in school with me or going out with my brother. They were gorgeous and I was epically not. I always wished I didn't pale so badly in comparison, that I too had something to offer. And that's when I suddenly realised that there is NO way on God's green earth that any of those girls that used to outpace me would be starting an entire month ahead of time taking all the trouble I do so my family could have an awesome Xmas meal. They're too busy buying shoes and getting powdered puffed and exfoliated.

So all I'm saying is dear family, I may not be the prettiest, most successful, daughter/sister and I'm sorry for that. But at least your Xmas meal won't come prepacked. So as Thanksgivings go, this time I'll leave the thanking to you!

xx

J

TURKEY SAUSAGE AND SWEET LEEK PIE

The idea for this pie is to use leftover turkey, but I want to have a turkey at the Xmas table without a monster on the table. I was hoping for turkey breasts but my Pick n Pay didn't have, however, Spar had turkey chops. They worked well tastewise but it's a pain in the bollocks to debone so I'll try to find breast for the Xmas meal.

Turkey

750g Turkey
8 Cloves garlic crushed
2t Dried oregano
200ml Olive oil
1/2c Lemon juice

Mix all of the above together, put in a roasting tin and cover tightly with foil. Roast at 500F for half an hour, then turn down to 300F. Without opening roast for at least another 1.5 Hours. Check and roast another half an hour if necessary. Debone.

Pie

4 Rashers of streaky bacon chopped up
1/4c Thyme
3T Butter
1T Olive oil
8 Large leeks sliced
750g Cooked turkey
250g Pork sausages
4T Flour
750ml Chicken stock
1/4c Creme fraiche
2T Dried sage
500g Puff pastry
1 Egg

Squeeze the pork out of the sausages and fry with the bacon and thyme in the olive oil and 1T butter until it starts to brown. Add the rest of the butter and all the leeks. Give it a good stir then turn down the heat and cook for half an hour until soft. Add the turkey and season to taste. Add the flour, stir, then the stock and creme fraiche. Cook until it starts to thicken, adding more flour if required. Spoon into pastry dish. Roll the pastry out thinly then sprinkle with the sage. Fold double and roll out again to required size. Cover the turkey and leek mixture with the pastry, brush with egg and score to allow steam to escape. Bake at 375F for about 30 minutes. If the pastry starts to brown but still looks a bit uncooked cover with foil and bake for another 10 minutes.

Umami

My knowledge of mushrooms is pretty limited. It extends from white to brown with the occasional portobello thrown in. So when I read about a chicken and shiitake pie I did some research. And learnt something pretty cool.

Since Plato and Aristotle's time it was believed that humans could only detect four tastes, sweet, sour, salty and bitter. Then in the early 1900's a Japanese scientist recognised a new taste and he was so unbelievably bored that he spent years boiling seaweed trying to recreate it. Eventually he identified the molecule and called it umami - deliciousness.

It has since been officially declared as the fifth basic taste. Some foods are particularly rich in umami, like seafood, tomatoes and mushrooms. But umami is also enhanced by certain processes e.g. drying (shiitake), aging (parmesan) and pairing (which is why parmesan and tomatoes go so well together). Of course, geniuses like Escoffier figured out umami long before it got a name. How I love that he dedicated pages of extensive and detailed notes to creating veal stock, knowing it was awesome, but not that he had inadvertently stumbled upon the deliciousness that is umami.

There's someone else that also creates umami without knowing it - mothers. On Saturday I defrosted some leg of lamb that my mom gave me. This is a very rare occurrence, my mother rarely cooks and she sure as hell never gives me any of it. In fact I was planning to only eat it after she died, so I could have something she made to remember her by. However, she informed me I'm shit out of luck on the dying thing so I figured I may as well eat it. And it was wonderful. Wonderfuller than wonderful. Like her tomato bredie. Or her bean soup. Or her savoury tart. 

It's not just me. Grown hunks of men get goofy talking about their mothers' food. Even when it's not particularly good. Somehow the mere touch of a mother's hand makes the simplest meal special. Are there any magic ingredients? In my mom's case not even almost, unless you count Aromat. No, the truth is the only special ingredient is her. Mommy. 

Or, as I now like to think of it, U Mami.

xx
J

CHICKEN LEEK AND SHIITAKE PIE

 
30g Dried shiitake mushrooms
750g Skinless and boneless chicken thighs in bitesize pieces
1 Onion chopped
2 Large leeks thinly sliced
2 Cloves garlic crushed
1/3c Flour seasoned
80g Butter
200ml Cream
200ml Milk
2T Thyme
2T Parsley
250g Puff pastry
1 Egg

Cover the shiitake with hot water and allow to stand for 15 minutes to soften. Remove any pieces that aren't soft and chop up the rest. Toss the chicken in the seasoned flour then fry in half the butter until lightly browned. Remove. Add the rest of the butter, the onion, leek and garlic and fry slowly until soft but not browned. Remove. Put the chicken back in the pan with the mushrooms, cream and milk and simmer for 5 minutes. Add the chopped herbs and the onion and leek mixture and fry for a couple more minutes. Season. Cool completely then spoon into a pie dish. I used just over half a roll of puff pastry, rolled it out a little then covered the chicken with it. Brush with the egg and make a couple of slices in the pie for the steam to escape. Bake at 400F for 15-20 minutes.

Sass-erole

Allison and I argued tonight. There was a time when I was too terrified to disagree with her. Then the relatively brief period when I overshot and got too sassy. Now we just argue about everything.

It started with the casserole. She claimed they were fancy I assured her they were actually out of fashion. Since we were on food we reverted to our usual argument about her thinking my food in general is fancy while I, in turn, don't like cooking for her because I think she's too fancy for my food.

Next she told me she bought blue suede shoes. I was imbued with respect. Until I realised they were dove grey. She kept arguing they were blue. They. Were. Not. 

She punished me by hitting below the belt - she called Elvis tasteless. Sacrilege! We digressed slightly to argue about whether it's worse to die on the toilet like Elvis or drown in your vomit like Bob Marley. And whether it's worse to die on the toilet because of constipation or of diarrhea. Then, because I had already accused her of blaspheming for criticising Elvis she twisted the knife by criticising Einstein because he started the whole atomic bomb thing. I pointed out that he only created the theory not the bomb but she still accused him of mass murder. 

She seemed on a blaspheming roll so I warned her not to go near Dali. So of course she went there. She said he's only known for his pencil sketches. As if he scribbled! And then, and THEN, she called him pretentious! Pretentious! I remarked that Jackson Pollock was pretentious but then she only started making narky remarks about me and my fancy education. This from a woman with a law degree while I only have a BA. This from a woman who can play 30 Seconds against 30 professors and still win. 

Of course, right through all these arguments Chloe was there interjecting, riling, laughing and inciting. Somewhere along the line she even joined in to argue about Adele vs Beyonce. And there was the whole who's cooler, Eminem or Mick Jagger. And then the music video for Moves Like Jagger came on and, God help me, Allison said Adam Levine was too white. Too WHITE!

There was also an argument about what's more important - R7000 shoes or a R7000 truffle. (Truffle, duh!). Bottom line, we argued the entire time I was there.

MAN I love those guys!

xx
J

TRIPLE PORK AND BEAN CASSEROLE

12 Pork sausages

400g Chorizo sliced

400g Pork leg cut into blocks

2 Onions sliced

2 Cloves garlic crushed

1t Smoked paprika

2 Tins chopped tomatoes

1 Tin Mexican chopped tomatoes

600ml Chicken stock

45ml Tomato puree

2T Worcestershire sauce

2T Treacle/muscavado/brown sugar

2T Dried sage

1T Dried thyme

4 Bay leaves

200ml White wine

2 Tins butter beans

Fry the pork sausages on medium heat for 5 minutes until nicely browned, add the chorizo and fry for another 5 minutes. Remove both. Fry the onions until soft then add all the other ingredients except the beans and sausages. Simmer for an hour or so until the pork is soft. Add the sausages and beans and simmer for another 15 minutes. Serve with crusty bread.

Stuff You

I get seriously annoyed when people are pretentious about food, which might seem hypocritical because I like to make what some people would call "pretentious food". Don't get me wrong, I love good ol' bredies and roasts, but I love it when there's a twist on a classic. Take the iconic 70's chicken cordon bleu. (SO fabulous darling!) But now, instead of stuffing the breast you stuff the deboned thigh and leg. And instead of ham and cheese you stuff it with pork and pistachios. And just like that - Oscar Wilde becomes Wild Oscar!

So yes, I like different, but at the end of the day, to me, it's just a chicken cordon bleu on crack. What gets me pissy is when someone uses pretentious terms to make themselves look good, not the food. I was Googling recipes the other day when I spotted "crushed potato". I pictured something like a roast potato broken open then reroasted. But nooooooo. It turns out crushed potato is just what some tosser calls mash potato. I bet he puts tomato jus and mustard puree on his hot dog. Maybe a little peri peri coulis. Since he's from America and they have aerosol cheese, he probably finishes it off with some gouda foam. Idiot. 

(This might not be the time or place and slightly off topic not to mention apologies to the purists but I would love love LOVE to try aerosol cheese!!!)

All I'm saying is, call a spade a spade, not a rectangular bevel-edged garden implement. I like weird ingredients and cool techniques, but the bottom line is, whatever you're serving, once it's on the plate your mouth will do the talking. So let the food speak for itself and shut the fk up. 

xx

J

PS: A cookbook has been in the news recently because the authors didn't give credit to the original creators of the recipes. Let me make this clear. I change all the recipes I make because I'm annoying that way. But they ALL have their origin from someone else. So sue me. (But I wouldn't if I were you. Allison is a lawyer and she once went into pissed off mode with me and I kind of wet myself. And I'm her second best friend. Trust me. You do NOT want to mess with that woman...)

STUFFED MEATBALLS

1 Egg

200ml Yoghurt

1c Breadcrumbs

1 Onion grated

750g Mince

2 Cloves garlic crushed

1.2c Finely chopped coriander

1t Lemon zest

1.5t Ground cumin

1t Ground coriander

1t Chilli powder

100g Feta cut into small blocks

Fresh mint

1/2c Chickpea flour

1t Turmeric

1.5t Paprika

Mix the egg, 75ml yoghurt and breadcrumbs and allow to stand for a few minutes. Mix in the onion, mince, garlic, coriander, zest, cumin, coriander, chilli and season well. Roll the mince into ping pong sized balls, flatten, put a mint leave in the middle, then a block of feta and roll back into a ball. Put in the fridge for half an hour to firm up. Mix together the flour with the turmeric and 1t of the paprika. Roll the meatballs in the mixture then fry until nicely browned. Roast in the oven at 360F for about 10 minutes. Sprinkle the other 1/2t paprika and some chopped mint over the rest of the yoghurt and serve with the meatballs.

DEBONED CHICKEN LEGS WRAPPED IN BACON WITH PISTACHIO STUFFING

6 Chicken Legs (drumstick and thigh)

24 Rashers of streaky bacon

30ml Sherry

60ml Marsala

1c Stock (I did half chicken half beef)

350g Pork mince (just squeeze out some sausages)

100g Roasted and salted pistachios

1 Egg yolk

1T Dried thyme

2T Chopped parsley

Deboning a chicken leg isn't as hard as you think. You slice from thigh bone to drumstick then just start scraping the meat off. I've put together some pics which will hopefully help. 

Take a piece of foil two hands wide. Season and drizzle olive oil in the middle. Lay down four rashers side by side. Put the deboned leg on it and some stuffing down the middle. Fold over then wrap with the bacon. Roll with the foil into a Christmas cracker, being careful not to tear the foil. Poach for half an hour in boiling water. Cool for half an hour in the fridge. Fry slowly until the bacon is nice and crispy then set aside. Turn up the heat and pour the sherry, marsala and stock into the pan and reduce. Thicken with a little bit of maizena if preferred. I served mine on some mash with a roasted tomato and rocket salad. I just roasted some cherry tomatoes in the oven at 325F for half an hour, seasoned with salt, pepper and a little bit of sugar.   

Gr-Ati-Tude

It was Ati's birthday yesterday, my hot Turkish neighbour, so I baked him and his family some Baklava. You see, I'm incredibly lucky and eternally grateful that Ati and his equally hot wife Jenny are next door. Living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be. A couple of weeks ago I ripped my alarm panel out of the wall because it went off and wouldn't stop. I know it wasn't my finest Mensa moment but in the movies they clip the wires and the alarm stops, it was 2 a.m. and I was panicking. I don't know how to fix it, wires aren't my thing, so now I'm alarmless and that scares the shit out of me. Or it would, if it weren't for my huge hot Turk next door. 

I'm actually looking forward to a rapist/murderer/burglar sneaking in through the back door so I can start screaming and watch Ati launch himself over the wall and into the scumbag like a Tonne of Turkish Tyranny. Because I truly believe he would do it for me. And God help the poor bastard if Jenny the Portuguese sexbomb follows because man, you don't want to be around when she gets mad. I've found myself sitting in the corner hugging my knees and rocking back and forth in terror and that was just from hearing her yell at someone on the other side of the wall...

I know in comparison to saving my life and being there for me if and when I need them for a crisis or a heartbreak or a cup of sugar this seems rather mediocre, but then, this is me:

Above all, thank you Ati and thank you Jenny, for your brave tastebuds and your endless appetite. I am very grateful that you're willing to keep accepting and eating all the food I'm constantly passing over the wall. You always take it with enthusiasm and excitement and gratitude as if I'm doing YOU a favour. But who's going to eat my food if you don't? Like I said, living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be...

But with neighbours like you, it ain't so bad at all.

xx

J

BAKLAVA

200g Almonds toasted and chopped

200g Pistachios toasted and chopped

10ml Ground cinnamon

Pinch of ground cloves

8 Sheets phyllo cut in half

1/2 - 1c Melted butter

Whole cloves

500ml Sugar

250ml Water

10ml Lemon juice

10ml Lime juice

Mix the nuts with the cinnamon and ground cloves. Use a baking tray that's about the size of half a phyllo sheet and brush with melted butter. Layer with four sheets of phyllo, each brushed with butter. (As with all phyllo, all the other sheets you'll be layering also need to be brushed with butter so I'm not going to keep saying it.) Sprinkle about a fifth of the nuts then layer another two sheets. Repeat three more times then finish with the last of the nuts and the last four sheets. Cut the top layer of the sheets into a diamond pattern. Insert a clove into the centre of each diamond and sprinkle with water. You need to bake at 360F for 30 minutes but check how dark the phyllo gets, I covered mine with foil after 15 minutes. Reduce the heat to 300F and bake for another 10 minutes. Bring the sugar, water, lemon and lime juice to a boil then simmer for 5 - 10 minutes. Pour the syrup over the baklava and leave to cool. Once cool cut right through each diamond carefully or you'll tear it apart when you serve.

For Fawkes Sake

I love corny holidays. Sadly, there are so many we don't celebrate with the pomp and ceremony they deserve. I love Halloween with its pumpkins and Thanksgiving with its turkeys and Guy Fawkes Day with its fireworks. But in South Africa these holidays just don't reach their full potential.

(Without being in the least way disrespectful, South African public holidays are all pretty bloody depressing: Human Rights Day, Freedom Day, Day of Reconciliation. When you get a day off from work, that's supposed to be a good thing, right? You want to sleep in, chill out, have a braai, get a little stuffed and a lot wasted. And the truth is, most of us do. Because who wants to sit around and think about our sad depressing history on our day off? I'm not saying we should forget the past, I'm just suggesting we make it compulsory that we do it on Mondays instead of public holidays.)

One holiday that should really get more hoo-ha is Guy Fawkes Day. It marks the day when a bunch of Catholics tried to blow up a bunch of Protestants, including the King, with gunpowder. It wasn't poor Guy's idea, and the blow up failed, but he was nevertheless sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered. Which in those days included castration, disembowelment and beheading. Guy knew what his sentence meant so, as he ascended the steps to the gallows, he jumped, broke his neck and died, thereby depriving the court of all their torturous plans. 

I love that. A big old fawk you. And for that he deserves a decent celebration. I didn't want to scare the dogs so I only lit sparklers. But I did it for Fawkes sake, and so should you. 

xx

J

DEBONED LAMB WITH SPICY MARSALA ROTIS

Lamb

1.5 - 2kg Leg of lamb

350ml Greek yoghurt

3T Ground cumin

3T Ground coriander

2T Ground Cinnamon

2t Fennel seeds

2t Chilli flakes

4 Cloves garlic crushed

2 Onions quartered

1c White wine

1c Chicken stock

It's best to prepare the lamb beforehand so you only need to focus on the rotis. Debone the leg of lamb. There are loads of videos and instructions on how to do it but in this case I don't bother with technique. Find the first bone you spot. Start carving the flesh off it and keep going. It doesn't even matter if it starts resembling your ex as you've pictured him being hung drawn and quartered, pretty isn't relevant. Once all the bones are gone and you've cut off most of the gristly bits make slices all over the meat so the spices can get in everywhere. Mix together the yoghurt and herbs and pour half into a bowl. Put in the lamb and pour over the rest. Rub it in, cover with cling wrap and put in the fridge for at least an hour, but preferably overnight. The following day lightly rinse ALL the yoghurt off then wipe it down with kitchen towel until there's no yoghurt and it's dry. Season and drizzle with olive oil. Cut a few pieces of string and lay on a breadboard. Put the lamb in the middle, roll up as best you can and start tying it up. Use as much string as required to get a nice tight package. Drizzle with olive oil and roast at 400F for 20-30 minutes. Add onions, stock and wine. Wrap the baking tray in foil and roast for another 2.5-3 hours. Once done remove the lamb from the sauce and wrap in foil. Strain the contents of the pan into a wide shallow dish and place in the freezer. After about an hour the fat should be set pretty hard. Make a hole in the side and pour the sauce under the frozen fat layer into a pot. Boil down for 15 minutes or so to reduce. Thicken with maizena and check the taste. If it's too salty you can add a little milk. Slice the lamb and add sauce so it's nice and moist but not runny.
 

Rotis

1c Self raising flour

1/4t Ground coriander

1/4t Garam marsala

1/4t Mixed ground cardamom/cinnamon

1t Chilli flakes
1/2t Salt

Mix together all of the above ingredients. Add 1T veggie oil and about 90ml water. Add the water slowly and carefully and keep kneading until you've got a nice silky dough. Leave to rest for at least 30 minutes. Divide into balls. I preferred mine to be ping pong ball size so I got medium rotis, but my neighbour suggested they be bigger. Up to you. Fry in a little bit of oil on medium heat until golden. Drain on kitchen towel and cover with a dish towel to keep warm. 

Salad

500ml Greek yoghurt

2 Red onions sliced

1 Cucumber sliced

1/2c Ripped mint

1/2c Ripped coriander

Take a roti, add the lamb, the salad, then the yoghurt. Tuck in the bottom so it doesn't spill out, then each side to create a wrap. Fawking awesome.

Perfect Paella

The thing about perfection is that something only gets called that when it's compared with imperfection. After all, you only call a man perfect when you're comparing him with some fat short bloke with fur on his back. A day is only perfect when it wasn't one of those where you sat in traffic then ran over your cat when you pulled into the driveway.

Well, I think that's just unfair. Something shouldn't be called perfect solely by virtue of another being worse. Take this: I bloody hate hot muggy summers, yet a DJ had the nerve yesterday to say that, compared to countries with hurricanes, tornadoes and snowstorms, South Africa's weather is perfect. Oh really? That's like saying, compared to husbands who sets their wives alight with petrol, my husband is perfect, because he only breaks my fingers. See? Not fair.

Of course it happens with food too and it's even worse because there are so many different versions of everything. You can't possibly call a chicken pie perfect because there are a gazillion different versions you haven't even tested or tasted. The poor stew can forget about being called perfect because the only thing in the recipe world that doesn't get stewed is, well, I don't even know. Somewhere someone at some time has stewed every damn thing from nightingale testicles to aardvark tonsils.

But then there's the Paella. You can't compare it to anything because, (give or take a rabbit), there isn't anything to compare it with. Like Robbie Williams, (give or take a venereal disease), there is only one. And hares and herpes aside, trust me, when you get served either one on a platter it's gonna get messy but you won't be able to stop until you've licked that platter clean. 

Some things simply don't need comparison to be called perfection.

xx
J

PAELLA

 
The pan above is called a paellera. I guess you don't need one but it's so much cooler than a normal old pan. What you CAN'T compromise on is the rice. Don't use Tastic or Risotto or Basmati or whatever. You need to find paella rice, also called Bomba or Calasparra. This type of rice absorbs the tastes of the paella like risotto would, but it doesn't become stodgy. 

Pinch of saffron
600g Deboned chicken thighs
100g Chorizo sliced
4 Cloves garlic sliced
2 Bay leaves
1 Onion chopped
1 Red pepper chopped
1 Green pepper chopped
6 Tomatoes skinned deseeded and chopped
1t Smoked Spanish paprika
500g Short grain rice
1.25L Chicken stock
400g Mussels
150g Calamari rings
800g Prawns
100g Frozen peas
1 Lemon in wedges.

Put the saffron in a tablespoon and heat to release the aroma then crush. Brown the chicken and remove. Fry the chorizo, garlic and bay leaves for a couple of minutes, then add the onion and peppers. Fry slowly until soft, about 5 minutes. Add the tomatoes and paprika and cook for another 5 minutes. Put the chicken back, stir in the rice then cook for a few minutes. Add the saffron to the chicken stock then pour into the pan. Reduce the heat and allow to simmer for about 15 minutes. Add the seafood and cook for another 10 minutes. Check the rice and cook a bit longer if required. Add the peas and cook for another few minutes. Remove from the heat and allow to rest for a few minutes before adding the lemon wedges and serving.

PS - Technically you shouldn't stir paella but that only works if the heat can be distributed equally, which it can't on my stove. So I stirred, but gently.