I Think I Lost My Best Friend

It started with a rumour. An unguarded comment by a complete stranger. And suddenly I was consumed with the knowledge that my best friend, my best BEST friend, has been lying to me for years. And it broke something I thought was unbreakable.

With no one in my entire life ever have I told more, confessed more, shared more. I'm talking the ugliest the baddest the filthiest the cruelest the most shameful the most embarrassing the most intimate truths. What started in youth has survived until now when we lament how age has curbed, if not destroyed, our inability to drink a bottle of spirits a night (not to mention the whatnot) and to stay up until the early hours. Which we did, talking until the glimmer of light shone through the curtains. About rubbish. And about ourselves. Open books, hearts laid bear.

We had faults and fights. We were different in too many ways to count. Opposite poles yet we defied the rules of magnetism and even though after blow ups there would be months, once years, when we didn't speak, we'd always come back together. Not like Romeo and Juliet. But like Benguela and Agulhas. Forced by invisible powers beyond our control to join up again.

Distance, differences and time separated us for months and years. But each time we got together I'd feel the wave of comfort and trust and joy that one can only feel when one is with the one you love.

But SUCH a lie. Not a little one that trips you. But a big one that levels you. The nature of the lie I don't care even remotely about. But what crushes me is the fact that after everything, despite everything, despite knowing me and my beliefs and my values, that you think there is the need for it.

Above all it's not that there is a lie. But that this lie means everything that came before it was a lie. And what does that say about us?

xx
J

MILK TART

As always. When in doubt. Or pain. Cook.

180ml Butter
90ml Sugar
1 Medium egg (I normally use jumbo but reduced recipe = smaller eggs)
1t Vanilla essence
450g Flour
1t Baking powder

750ml Milk
45g Butter
3 Medium eggs
180ml Sugar
60ml Flour
90ml Maizena
180ml Milk

Beat together butter and sugar for about 5 minutes until thick and creamy. While still beating add one egg and the vanilla. In a separate bowl sift the flour, a pinch of salt and the baking powder. Mix into the butter mixture to form a soft dough. Spray a pie dish and press the dough into the sides and bottom. Bake at 350F for about 12-15 minutes until light brown. (I found the base too thick at that point so I pressed it down some with a tea towel to thin it out a bit, but that's up to you).

Beat together the other 3 eggs, a pinch of salt and 180ml sugar until thick and creamy. In a separate bowl mix together the flour and maizena, then slowly add the milk while whisking to ensure you get no lumps. Add it to the egg mixture.

Heat the milk to almost boiling and add the butter. Whisk until melted then add the egg/flour mixture slowly while whisking vigorously to ensure no lumps. Keep a beady eye on it to make sure it doesn't burn. Keep whisking until the mixture turns into a thick custard. Turn the heat down to prevent burning but keep whisking for another 5 minutes to ensure it cooks through.

Allow to cool a little bit then pour into the crust and leave for a few hours - it will set until it's thick enough to slice.

Note: Since I initially made this with the too-thick-base I ended up trying the excess in a muffin pan and it worked perfectly. So you can use this recipe for mini milk tarts, I'd say you'd get about 24 though that's a bit of a guess. Only bake the crust for about 8 minutes though.

And Exhale...

So much preparation. So much expectation. So much to do. So much done.

I'm gastronomically exhausted and braindead but pretty chuffed. It was a wonderful Xmas. I don't say this lightly. Xmas's aren't usually wonderful for me. More often than not I'm sobbing snottily in the bathroom because something was said that my too-sensitive-for-my-family-skin can't take. Something WAS actually said, it wouldn't be Xmas without it, but I bit down on the tranquilliser I had hidden à la cyanide in my cheek and got through it without nasal drip. (And I'm pretty chuffed about that too.)

Foodwise - I passed. Hallelujah. From Xmas Eve dinner to Xmas Day lunch everything was a success. OK, not everything. I had to redo the yule log because I decided at the 99th minute to try a new recipe I'd found that morning and of course it was a complete and utter trainwreck so I had to make another one. OK, it wasn't a trainwreck it had a crack in the top. So obviously I had to make another one. (The truth is less melodramatic but the end result was the same.)

I know normal people don't care so much. Their lives aren't affected. They have better things to do. They don't lie awake weeks in advance. They don't get up at 3 a.m. to check a recipe. They don't retest and redo and rethink and retry everything until they're sure it will work. But I guess they don't screw things up (or perceive that they screw things up) like I do. I bet when they finally sit down at the table they aren't gasping and panting sheened in sweat with drops of gravy adorning their Xmas blouses and hair sticking out in all directions with blobs of cranberry jelly dripping from it.

I've seen them on TV. Those People who whip things up and then lay them down on the table for salivating guests and ne'er a drop of sweat was formed. I guess these things come easy to them. They don't to me. I envy them. Occasionally, I hate them.

I don't know if I'm a good cook. I'm well aware that I'm a passionate fearful paranoid coocoo cook. But all I desperately desire is to get it right. And I did.

No offence, but I think it's unfair that Santa gets all the glory.

xx
J

SMOKED SALMON CRÈME FRAICHE AND CAVIAR BLINIS

150g Smoked salmon

1/2c Crème fraiche

1/3c Caviar

115g Buckwheat flour

115g Flour

Pinch salt

1 Egg

1 Egg white

5g Dry yeast

1t Caster sugar

350ml Warm milk

1/2T Melted butter

Sift the dry ingredients. Make a well, add the egg and mix. Combine the yeast, sugar and milk separately and leave to stand for about 5 minutes. Mix in with the flour and egg mixture to make a batter then add the melted butter. Cover with clingwrap and leave to stand for 1 hour. When ready to cook whisk the egg white then fold into the batter. Heat a little oil in a pan then pour small spoons of batter about gholfball sized. As soon as the bubbles appear you can flip them. They're just like crumpets. You should get about 20 out of the mixture depending on size. Allow to cool then cover with a dollop of crème fraiche, a slice of salmon and dot with caviar.   

TURKEY MEATBALLS WITH ORANGE AND CRANBERRY and BABY POTATOES WITH CRÈME FRAICHE AND CAVIAR

Meatballs

600g Ground turkey

2t Mixed seasoning (I combined poultry/Spike/garlic)

1t Salt

1/2t Black pepper

1/2t Worcestershire sauce

1/4t Cayenne

1 Egg

1/4c Milk

1/2c Breadcrumbs

1c Cranberry sauce (the disgusting ribbed jelly one that comes in a tin)

1/2c Orange marmalade

1/2c Chicken stock

1T Jalapeno peppers chopped

1T Red pepper chopped

Mix together everything up to the breadcrumbs and put in the fridge for at least an hour. Then make small meatballs, about ping pong size, I got about 25. Fry in a little oil on all sides until nicely browned. Meanwhile bring the rest of the ingredients to the boil then leave to simmer for 5 minutes. Season to taste. Add the meatballs and allow to simmer for about 15 minutes until fully cooked.

Potatoes

10 Small potatoes cut in half

1/3c Crème fraiche

1T Lemon juice

1t Thyme

1/4c Caviar

Slice a little bit off the bottom of each potato half so it stands upright. Season with salt and pepper then bake at 400F for 20-25 minutes. Allow to cool. Mix together the crème fraiche, lemon and thyme and season. Spread on the potatoes and dot with caviar.

CAPRESE KEBABS and PIGS IN BLANKETS

Kebabs

10 Baby tomatoes cut in half

20 Basil leaves

150g Buffalo mozzarella cut into 20 pieces

Marinade everything for 1 hour with some salt, pepper and a little olive oil then thread onto toothpicks.

Pigs

20 Pork chipolatas

10 Pieces of streaky bacon

20 Sage leaves

3T Honey

2T Whiskey

Drop the sage leaves into some boiling water for a couple of seconds then straight into cold water. Dry on kitchen towel then toss in some olive oil. Carefully scrape the back of a knife over the streaky bacon to stretch it so it doesn't shrink around your chipolata. Cut in half. Put a sage leaf on each chipolata then wrap in half a bacon. Put on a well oiled baking tray. Mix together the honey and whiskey and pour half of the glaze over the chipolatas. Bake at 400F for 15 minutes. Turn them around carefully, pour over the rest of the glaze and bake for another 15 minutes. Don't drain on kitchen towel but remove from the tray onto a plate so they can drain off some of the oil but keep the lovely sticky.

CHEESECAKE WITH SOUR CREAM AND CRANBERRY COULIS

I did Jamie Oliver's cheesecake again (posted under Bye Bye Bin Laden). Honestly, I've tried 2 other cheesecakes in the weeks approaching Xmas and they're just not as good. I did, for variety, use lemon juice instead of lime juice though, added a sour cream topping and cranberry coulis. I decorated the cheesecake with some coulis but served most of it on the side - in my experience some people like the tang, some don't. 

200ml Sour cream

1T Caster sugar

2t Lemon juice

Allow the cheesecake to cool in the tin for a couple of hours at least. Then combine and spread the sour cream topping over. Leave for another couple of hours in the fridge before adding the coulis.

200g Frozen cranberries

75g Caster sugar

1T Lemon juice

1/2c Water

Bring to the boil then allow to simmer until thickened. Strain through a sieve and discard solids. Pour on top of the sour cream or pattern through and serve the rest on the side.  

Expectancy Breeds Contempt

And insecurity.

Merry Xmas peace on earth and all but I'm not designed for peace. I get jittery and fidgety. And it gets so so much worse when I'm waiting for something to happen. All this extensive planning for Xmas and now I'm sitting and waiting to start cooking. It's like someone said:

On your marks ... Get set ...

And I'm waiting for someone to say GO!

But no. 

So I've been staring into space. Terwyl ek agter my kniekoppe sit. Lyk my Ouma used to say. En sweet blou all doen. Like she also used to say. 

I'm chewing my nails and glaring at the calender and going out of my mind with frustration because I just want to GO now. And all this frustration is morphing into the fear that I can't pull this off. 

XMAS EVE

Smoked Salmon Crème Fraiche and Caviar Blinis

Fillet on the Braai with Red Peppercorn Sauce

Vegetable and Halloumi Kebabs

Oven Baked Chips

Chocolate and Cherry Ganache Swiss Roll

XMAS LUNCH

Turkey Meatballs with Orange and Cranberry

Baby Potatoes with Crème Fraiche and Caviar

Caprese Kebabs

Pigs in Blankets

Pork Crown Roast with Wild Rice Stuffing

Deboned Leg of Lamb with Mint and Cranberry Jelly

Fried Potatoes

Roast Pumpkin

Creamed Spinach

Cheesecake with Sour Cream and Cranberry Coulis

Christmas Cake

There no WAY I can pull it off.

I think I'm going to throw up...

xx

J

PS - When in doubt. Cook. And eat. And drink. Oh yah, and take tranquillisers.

CHICKEN KIEV

2 Chicken breasts

100g Butter

2 Cloves of garlic crushed

1t Dried tarragon

1t Dried parsley

2t Lemon juice

Pinch paprika

1/2c Dried breadcrumbs

1/2c Flour seasoned

1 Egg

Mash together the butter, garlic, herbs, paprika and lemon juice then season. Put in the deepfreeze to firm up. Cut a pocket into the fattest part of the breast. Slice the frozen butter and insert into the pocket. Use toothpicks to close up the gap. Dip in flour, then egg, then crumbs. Heat olive oil until quite hot and brown on both sides. Roast in the oven at 360F for 12 - 15 minutes.

Sealective Perspective

I'm not crazy about fish, possibly on account of growing up in a fishing town permeated with the smell 24/7. I would certainly never ever order fish in a restaurant. But what with its Omega 3's and my goldfish memory (ha!) I've been trying to incorporate it into my diet somewhat.

Fabs bought a fishtank and a couple of fish. Same style, one medium one large. Now I'm not one of those that consider fish to be pets. To me a pet requires some interaction. Fish burp and gulp and ogle but that's about it. Not pets. But I kinda liked these fish, especially the big one. It had a dead cool piranha look, in fact, I could swear it was growling at me.

It got me wondering. There are lots of fish owners out there. People who obviously consider fish to be pet-worthy. Some have guppies and some have chinese fighters and the ones that are really chuffed with themselves have koi. Some even give their fish names. And yet, I bet most of them eat fish and don't even think about it. I'm sure they don't even see the connection. Those scaly things in the tanks have nothing to do with the buttered sole on the plate. Right?

They're both the same animal so just because one breed tastes better than the other doesn't make it OK. Cause in that case I have a Husky. But I eat Labradors. I particularly like them drizzled with olive oil and lemon. You see what I'm saying? NOT cool. You go to a restaurant, have some trout, come home and breath your fishy breath over your goldfish. How is Nemo supposed to feel? WAY. Not. Cool.

So you fish owners out there - stop eating your pets' people. Or get a cat.

xx

J

SALMON AND CHILLI CONCHIGLIONE 

250g Conchiglione (or cannelloni if you can't find it)
1 Tin Red Salmon (around 200g - drain, remove skin and bones)
1 Tin Pink Salmon (around 400g - drain, remove skin and bones)
1/2 Red pepper chopped
1/2 Onion chopped
1 Chilli seeded and chopped
1T Dried dill
250ml Full fat cream cheese
250ml Low fat chunky cottage cheese 

(or you could use 500ml ricotta instead of the cream/cottage cheese)

250ml Cream 

1/2c Parmesan 

Fry the red pepper and onion until soft. Mix together with everything except the pasta, cream and parmesan. Season to taste. Cook the pasta until it's almost done. Fill with the salmon mixture and put into a baking dish. Pour over the cream, season and sprinkle over the parmesan. Cover with foil and bake at 360F for 20 minutes. Remove and bake for another 15 minutes or so until golden.

SALMON AND CREME FRAICHE PIZZA

75g Smoked salmon chopped
125ml Crème fraiche
1T Lemon juice
1T Capers
125ml Lukewarm water
1/2T Dried yeast
275g Flour
1/2t Salt
1/4t Black pepper
1t Honey  

1T Olive oil  

Pour 75ml water into a bowl, sprinkle over the yeast and give it a stir. Leave it to rest for 10 minutes to make sure the yeast starts working. Add the honey and olive oil. Sift the flour into a bowl and add salt and pepper. Pour in the yeast mixture and mix, then start adding the rest of the water bit by bit until you have a soft, sticky dough. Knead for 5 minutes until it's smooth and pliable. Cover and leave to rest for an hour.  

Divide the dough into two pieces and roll out into a pizza shape. Mix together the crème fraiche and lemon juice and season. Spread onto the pizza, sprinkle over the salmon and the capers. Bake at 400F for about 10 minutes.

TARTARE SAUCE

1/2c Green olives stuffed with pimento peppers chopped

2 Gherkins chopped

1T Capers chopped

1T Parsley chopped

1c Mayonnaise or make your own

For the lazy version mix all of the above together, season to taste. For the I'm-awesome version make your own homemade mayonnaise. It's really not that hard you just have to be patient. If you rush you'll screw it up. It's way easier with an electric mixer than with a whisk.

2 Egg yolks

1t Dijon mustard

1T White wine vinegar

250ml Vegetable oil

1T Lemon juice

Mix the eggs, mustard and vinegar together for about 5 minutes until light and creamy. Now you need to add the oil very slowly. Start with a teaspoon and mix until it's completely incorporated. Then another etc. Remember, trickle don't pour. You have to make sure the oil you added is completely mixed in before you add more. Once you have a thick smooth mayonnaise add the lemon juice and seasoning.

Wakey Bakey Cakey

I bought myself a Xmas present. I know that's sad and pathetic. Whose Xmas highlight is the present they bought for themselves? My boyfriend who's been planning my surprise Xmas present for the last 7 months also thinks it's sad and pathetic. Oh no wait, he doesn't, because imaginary boyfriends seem to have limited thinking abilities. 

So I bought myself a Russell Hobbs 15 Bar Espresso machine. It's beautiful. My espressos are beautiful. I might be a liiiiiiiiitle too hopped up on caffeine. But I think the eye twitch can only add to my charm.

So what's a girl with too much caffeinated energy to do? Bake two huge batches of rusks of course! As far as I'm concerned there are two types of rusks - the wholewheat healthy or the bad-ass buttermilk. After lots of searching I found a great compromise. I've even added seeds to the original recipe so though they taste great you have nothing to feel bad about.

Not unless you eat my Yule Log cake. Then you're going to get into a heap of calorific trouble. But hey, it's Xmas. And I read somewhere that caffeine burns calories. OK maybe I didn't but maybe it should. And if it doesn't, well, I've already got an eye twitch so what chance in hell do I stand of getting a boyfriend anyway.

xx

J

ALL BRAN BUTTERMILK RUSKS

300g Butter

250ml Vegetable oil

500ml Sugar

2 Eggs

500ml Buttermilk

250ml Nutty Wheat (or wholewheat flour)

1kg Self raising flour

750ml All Bran

125ml Sunflower seeds

5ml Salt

Butter two baking dishes, line with greaseproof paper and butter again. Melt the butter and mix together with the oil, sugar, eggs and buttermilk. Stir in the nutty wheat, flour, all bran, seeds and salt. Bake at 360F for 45 min - 1 hour. Make sure you cover with foil when it starts getting too brown. Allow to cool for half an hour before cutting. I cut each of my pans into 24 rusks so it yielded almost 50. Cover your oven racks with foil and pack your rusks on it. Turn the heat down to 200F and dry out for about 5 hours.

CHOCOLATE BERRY YULE LOG

I really thought swiss rolls were a part of high level baking. I thought I'd break it and it would look like a trainwreck. But it was dead simple and it would've taken the consumption of half a bottle of brandy for me to break it. A valuable kitchen lesson: Just cos it looks fancy don't mean it's hard!  

Swiss Roll

5 Eggs

100g Caster sugar

60g Flour

40g Cocoa

1t Vanilla extract

Beat the eggs and sugar in a processor for at least 5 minutes until it's very thick and pale. Add the vanilla extract, sift over the flour and cocoa and fold in very gently. Butter a swiss roll tin, line with greaseproof paper and butter again. Spread the mixture in it and bake for about 12 minutes at 360F. Tip it out carefully onto greaseproof paper sprinkled with caster sugar. Let it cool a bit then roll up and wrap lightly in the paper.

Filling

200g Frozen cranberries/cherries

75g Caster sugar

400g Bournville

20g Butter

500ml Double cream

1T Whiskey

Icing sugar

Simmer the cranberries/cherries with the caster sugar and 2T water for 10 minutes. Bring 450ml of the cream to a boil then remove from the heat and stir in the chocolate and butter. Allow to cool for 5 minutes then stir in the whiskey. Cool for another 10 minutes then whip up for 5 minutes. Pour out a third of the mixture and whisk in the other 50ml cream. Unroll the sponge and spread this mixture onto it then spoon over the cranberry mixture. Reroll then spread the rest of the chocolate mixture over it. You can go crazy with the decoration and if I make it for Xmas, maybe I will. If you're not in the mood use a fork to scrape patterns into it and sift over some icing sugar.

'Tis the Reason

It looks like Santa threw up in my house. Tinsel, holly, Rudolph, his cousins, snow globes and lights lights everywhere. Thank God I don't have epilepsy or I'd be in serious trouble. As it is the flashing is making me kinda paranoid. The lights in the lounge are stationary so the kitchen lights should be flashing. Or should they? I'm sure they've been flashing. Almost convinced. But tonight? No flashing. Or are they? Do they wait and then do it when I blink??...

There's a reason why I've been going decorating bedonnerd. I LOVE Xmas. When it comes I want to hang onto it with both arms and wrap my legs around it. (Funny, I'm sure I said the exact same thing about Bruce Willis...) Yes, the shops are crazy and I want to kill everyone but that's what I have tranquilisers for. Yes, the recession has taken hold and I can't spend as much as I want but that's what I have tranquillisers for. Yes, when I think about it I have absolutely nothing to be happy about but that's what I have tranquillisers for. 

But at Xmas, despite everything that sucks, somehow - I don't know how - everyone's inner happy gets triggered. Strangers talk to strangers and suddenly it's OK to be silly happy and it's just so nice! Not everyone is equally affected, some people might only experience a low hum instead of a loud brrrrring, but even the assholes act differently. And maybe it's just a Pavlovian reaction to flashing lights and garish decorations. But I like to believe, (like to fool myself anyway), that it's because Xmas really is special.

So that's my reason for turning my house into a Xmas cliché. Because Valentine's Day: People finding true love? Bullshit! Easter: Bunnies delivering chocolate eggs? Bullshit! But Xmas? Fat creepy dude sliding down a chimney the size of his left thigh? Now THAT's something I can see myself reading about on News24!

xx

J

PINK PEPPERCORN FILLET WITH VEGETABLE HALLOUMI KEBABS

This picture shows a crappy rump but I'll get a beautiful fillet for Xmas Eve. The kebabs are Jamie Oliver's. We've had our differences and I hardly ever get excited about vegetarian recipes but I have to say - this one made my heart beat faster - it's really pretty awesome!

Pink Peppercorn Sauce

1 Carrot chopped

1 Celery stick chopped

1/2 Onion chopped

1 Clove garlic crushed

1/2t Thyme (dried is fine)

1/3c Pink peppercorns

1/2c Sherry

1c White wine

1/2c Chicken stock

1c Double cream

Cover the peppercorns with ice water and bring to the boil. Strain. Cover the peppercorns with 1/2c white wine and bring to the boil. Strain. Fry the carrot, celery, onion and garlic until soft. Add the sherry, scrape up the bits and reduce by half. Add half the peppercorns and zap everything until smooth. Add the wine, stock and cream and bring to the boil. If necessary thicken with Maizena. Before serving add the rest of the peppercorns.

Vegetable Halloumi Kebabs

36 Cherry tomatoes

200g Halloumi cheese cut into 36 pieces (do 6 x 6 that's easiest)

2 Red peppers cut into 36 pieces

4 Courgettes peeled into 36 ribbons

1/2c Mint chopped

1 Chilli chopped

1 Lemon

Skewer cheese, marrow, tomato, then pepper x 12. Marinade in mint, chilli, lemon and 1/4c olive oil for a few hours. Grill or braai.

Shaken Stirred and Sloshed

What a day. What a perfect day. OK except for the not having sex bit. But otherwise, whoah so perfect!

I'm sitting down with a glass of red wine. I'm even using a real glass as opposed to the bulletproof one I normally use (due to klutziness and borderline alcoholism glasses don't last very long around me). And I'm not even drinking box wine. In fact, I think this bottle cost a whopping R33. How is THAT for kicking it to celebrate a good day?!

Why? I'm glad you asked. Because I made food the entire day. I've been unstoppable since 7 a.m. You see I'm still working on Xmas, making stuff and testing stuff and nothing makes me happier than a day in the kitchen. Last night both the vegetable dishes I tested were scratched off the list due to mediocrity. Today I tested food gifts I found on the Net - Bailey's and White Chocolate Fudge, Chocolate Turkish Delight and Nut Log as well as Cranberry and Mulled Wine Jelly. All 3 worked. I also tried another Cheesecake (bleh). And tonight I'm retrying my Pink Peppercorn Sauce to go with my Xmas Eve fillet as well as the Vegetable Halloumi Kebabs I want to serve with it. Is that all I hear you say? No, of course not, I also tested frosting cranberries.

And now the frosted cranberry on top of this perfect day is that I'm about to rewatch both the latest James Bond's, Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. Or Blah Blah and Blah-di-Blah. Who cares - I could watch Daniel Craig walk out of the ocean all bloody day.  And may I say - thank you LG. What nice forward/rewind/pause features you have. All the better to see him with.

So, a perfect day. I've shaken. I've stirred. And now I'm planning on getting sloshed with my R33 bottle(s) of wine as I watch Daniel sloshing his way out of the sea in shrunken shorts. After all - what better way to end a perfect day than with a perfect (imaginary) lay?

xx
J

BAILEY'S AND WHITE CHOCOLATE FUDGE

500g Sugar

500ml Whipping cream

50ml Bailey's Irish Cream

150g White chocolate

I'm not very fudgy but good is good. I imagine this will be pretty awesome with Amarula or any other cream based booze as well. Butter a 20cm-ish baking tray, line with greaseproof paper and butter again. Bring sugar, cream and Bailey's to a simmer until the sugar dissolves. Turn up the heat and bring to a rolling boil. Now you have to watch it with an eagle eye until it reaches 240F. It took ages with me (at least half hour) so be patient. Once it gets there stir in the chocolate. Pour into the baking tray and allow to set and cool.

CHOCOLATE TURKISH DELIGHT AND NUT LOG

25g Desiccated coconut

25g Desiccated coconut toasted

100g Turkish delight (pink and white)

200g White chocolate chopped

75g Butter

50g Pistachios

50g Hazelnuts chopped and toasted

100g Bournville chopped

Cut Turkish delight into 8 little cubes. Melt the white chocolate with 50g of the butter in a bowl over water. Once cooled stir in the Turkish delight, nuts and untoasted coconut. Butter some greaseproof paper and spoon the mixture lengthwise onto it. Using the paper roll the mixture into something resembling a salami. Twist the ends tightly so it's nice and compact then put in the fridge for at least an hour. Melt the Bournville with 25g of the butter in a bowl over water. Allow to cool then unwrap the salami and spread or paint the chocolate over it. Let it harden a little then roll it in the toasted coconut. Put back in the fridge for another hour or so. You can wrap it in cellophane like a Xmas cracker if you want to give it as a gift.  

   

CRANBERRY AND MULLED WINE JELLY

750g Granny Smith apples

400g Frozen cranberries

300ml Red wine

10ml Whole cloves

2 Cinnamon sticks

2 Star anise

Zest and juice of 1orange

Sugar

Chop the apples into chunks with peel and core and all. Throw into a pot with the cranberries, 850ml water, the wine, cloves, cinnamon sticks, star anise, orange zest and juice and bring to a boil. Then reduce to a simmer for about half an hour. Stir carefully so as not to crush the cranberries or your jelly will get cloudy. Pour the mixture through some muslin cloth, once again not forcing or crushing or squeezing it, just let it drip. Return the leftovers back to the pan with another 600ml water and simmer for another 20 minutes. Drain through the muslin again and throw away the gunk. Measure the amount of juice you have. You need to add sugar – 450g for every 600ml juice. I had a litre of juice so I added 750g sugar. Boil the juice to concentrate it, making sure to skim off all the scum. Add the sugar and stir until it dissolves. Boil for another 10 minutes, once again skimming off the scum.

I've given up on pectin thickening anything, natural or otherwise. You have a better chance of finding a straight single guy without crabs than you have of getting liquid pectin in South Africa. So I use gelatin. Purists might baulk. You have no idea how little I care. In this case I added 4 leaves of gelatin. A day later it was more thick jam than jelly so I added another 2 until I was happy. If you want to be really cute you can put a pretty star anise into each little bottle of jelly. As it turns out, I'm not cute.

Coupla Fruitcakes

I don't like fruit. I don't have a sweet tooth in general so when I do indulge in something sweet I figure what's the point eating something endorsed by the Heart Foundation?

But I'm a traditional kinda girl and so, because some idiots decided to put a whole bunch of fruity things into Xmas, I will do so too. My plan was to only give my Sticky Toffee Xmas Eve dessert a teensy little fruity twist and that's it. But my mother decided otherwise.

I'm sure she meant to hint that a Xmas cake would be nice. But hinting is not in her nature. God bless her, neither is subtlety. She once asked a fat teenager loudly and in front of others if they thought having potato salad was a good idea. That's my mom. Being subtle. As a powertool. (And yes, I put down the spoon and didn't have any potato salad.)

She has mellowed over the years but her subtlety hasn't. Here's our conversation on Friday:

"Did I tell you we got a Xmas cake last year? Someone gave Cobie a cake and she gave it to us. We finished it in two days flat. It was wonderful. I love Xmas cakes don't you? I really hope Cobie gets another cake so she can give it to us. Or that someone gives us a cake. Wouldn't that be lovely..."

"Yes Mother I'll turn the car around and go back to Pick n Pay Mother."

"No no. Don't do that. I'll just suffer. Woe is me. I'm a poor abused starving old lady. Nobody loves me. I am so lonely and deprived. I'll just crawl to my grave hungry and heartbroken on my arthritic knees."

OK. She didn't actually say that. But that's what she meant. Subtle as a powertool. Joan the Jackhammer.

And yes, I baked her the cake. June the Jackass.

xx
J

STICKY TOFFEE XMAS PUDDING

 55g Butter

170g Demerara sugar
1T Syrup
2 Eggs
2T Treacle/molasses
200g Self raising flour
100g Dates chopped
100g Fruit mince
1T Glacé cherries chopped

150ml Boiling water
1t Bicarbonate of soda
1/2t Vanilla extract
110ml Double cream
55g Butter
55g Muscovado sugar
2T Treacle/molasses
1T Syrup

Mix the dates with the boiling water then pulp with a blender until smooth. Stir in the bicarb and vanilla extract. Cream the butter and sugar together until pale and fluffy. Add the syrup, eggs and treacle and blend until smooth. Add the flour and blend gently. Add the date mixture, fruit mince, cherries and stir. Butter 6 pudding moulds, line with wax paper and butter again. Fill with the mixture. Bake at 400F for 30 minutes or so but keep an eye on it and put some foil on if it gets too dark. Remove from oven and make the sauce. Bring the cream, butter, muscovado, treacle and syrup to a boil. Unmold the puddings onto plates and make some holes in them with a toothpick. Pour the hot sauce over and serve with ice cream.

XMAS CAKE

The Xmas Cake still has some ways to go. It needs to be fed with brandy (I'm doing 1/4c once a week until Xmas), then I still have to ice it. But in case you want to get started on yours, here it is!

250g Currants
250g Sultanas
250g Raisins
50g Dried cranberries chopped
50g Glacé cherries chopped
50g Mixed candied peel chopped
150ml Brandy
225g Flour
1/2t Salt
1/4t Nutmeg
1/2t Mixed spice
225g Butter
225g Brown sugar
4 Eggs
50g Chopped almonds
1T Treacle/molasses
Zest of 1 lemon
Zest of 1 orange

Mix together all the fruits and 90ml of the brandy and leave overnight to soak. Don't skimp on the cake tin wrapping, I did and my cake's a bit dark on the sides. (I'll feed it brandy and see if it's soft when icing time comes. If it's not I'll just shave the sides a bit it won't show under the icing.) Butter the tin and wrap in two layers of greaseproof paper. Also wrap a band of brown paper around the outside of the tin and tie with some string.

Cream the butter and sugar together until pale and fluffy. Beat the eggs in bit by bit. Sift in the flour, salt and spices and fold in gently. Fold in the fruit mixture, almonds, treacle and zest then spoon into the cake tin. Cover the top of the cake with a double layer of greaseproof paper, leaving a little hole at the top. (Don't know why but I'm no expert on Xmas cakes so just do it). Bake the cake at 275F on the oven's lowest shelf for 4 hours. Check if it's done and let it go a bit more if not. Allow to cool then make some holes with a toothpick and feed it the other 60ml brandy. Wrap in a double layer of greaseproof paper and store in an airtight container. Feed weekly, making sure you have a double brandy every time it gets one. It's only fair.