Sweet 'n Sore

What is it about love that it HAS to hurt? Why oh FFS why do I have to be torn between these extraordinary highs and these exsanguinating lows? Is this a cosmic joke? Am I being punked? Have I lost my sense of humour? The whole love/hurt theme is so oxymoronic it's moronic. And it's bloody unfair. I mean - pain hurts, fear hurts, anger hurts, disappointment hurts - is it so much to ask of the Universe to just let us have one poxy little emotion without kicking us in the balls? 

Here's a newsflash! Happy soppy smoochy poochy coochy people don't have roadrage they have sex. Instead of killing they'd be kissing. Instead of fighting they'd be ... well, you get the picture. I don't know about you but I think a bunch of sexed up people smiling like twats might just be what this world needs. (I can tell you for a FACT that being a sexed up smiling twat is EXACTLY what I need.) So why does love have to be sore? Why can't it just be sweet?
 
Maybe it's simply Newtonian. What goes up must come down. Maybe there's a limit to how much walking on air and sitting on Cloud 9 us humans can do before we come crashing down like everything else thanks to the Law of Gravity-Sucks. I wonder if anyone has done research on this. Or a thesis: "The Effect of Excess Joy on the Psyche" (subtitled - "And Other Causes of Psychotic Breaks").   

I'm not one of those people who thinks it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And I can state without equivocation that what almost killed me certainly did NOT make me stronger. 

So you can shove your pain. I'm all for excess joy. You know how they say "too much of a good thing"? Have you ever noticed how it's never followed by anything? It's always just "well, you know, too much of a good thing..." Dot dot dot. You know why? Because no one knows! No one's been happy long enough to know...

So here I am! I volunteer! Throw love at me you miserly Universe! DROWN me in too much of a good thing! Hell, I'll take the consequences! Whatever they may be...
 
After all, someone once said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". 

That's true, right?

Right??
 
xx  
J

CHOCOLATE CHILLI NOUGAT

(This is sweet - and it's going to hurt. I know you're scared - but don't be. Look, if you want to bail, leave the chilli. But if you're like me, if you envy the people who bungy jump but you're not mad in your head - do this. It's bungy jumping for the soul!)
 

NB - You'll need a candy thermometer for this, trust me, my last nougat was sticky enough to reunite Sean Penn and Madonna.
 
400g Caster sugar
60g Glucose syrup
250g Honey
2 Egg whites
1T Caster sugar
200g Whole almonds
200g Hazlenuts
2 Chillis finely chopped
2-3 Sheets rice paper
6 Bournville slabs
50g Butter

Toast the nuts at 150C for about 10 minutes until it's slightly brown. Oil and line a square dish with half the rice paper, so try to get something vaguely the size of the paper. (I had to patch a bit.)

This part had me nerved to the bone so make sure you have everything ready and on standby! Pre-whisk the egg whites with 1T caster sugar until you have stiff peaks (you'll need to give it another whack at the last moment). Melt 1 slab Bournville with the butter in another pan. Heat the caster sugar, glucose syrup, chillies and 140ml water to soft crack 280F. Warm the honey separately until it boils, add the syrup and bring up to 310F.

Slowly pour the honey/syrup into the whites and whisk until glossy. Mix in the melted chocolate. Fold in the nuts, pour into the rice paper dish and smooth out. Top with the rest of the rice paper. Allow to set (I left it overnight).

Good luck the next day - it's bloody hard to cut. I had to picture various people's faces to manage it. But it's worth it. I cut squares about 8x8cm. Melt the rest of the Bournville chocolate (in a bowl over a pot of boiling water). Dip the pieces of nougat in the chocolate and put on a plate covered in clingwrap. It should set in the fridge in an hour or so.