Comfort Me

Life is unfair. When you're down, you crave fat and sugar and carbs. Which first makes you feel guilty then makes you fat. Which of course makes you feel down. And round and round we go. Wouldn't it have been nice if God had a modicum of sympathy for the fact that it's near impossible to get shagged with a fat ass? Look, I know we're over-populated and this might just be God's way of keeping the numbers down. Specifically, ensuring fat people don't breed. Culling by weight, so to speak.

If life were fair, imagine feeling the burden of life crushing down on you, the worries and the weariness, and going: "Ooooooooh, I would just KILL for a plate of crudites!" Or going to the shop and bypassing the bakery, the charcuterie, the confectionary and the dairy in order to get to the grocery. Not to mention the clock striking 5 p.m or 11 a.m. (as is your need) and thinking "Ooooooooh, I would just KILL for a bottle of still water!". Or, God forbid, passing by a treadmill and saying "Oooooooh, I would just KILL to run mindlessly to nowhere while my legs turn to jelly!"

But Noooooooh. Life is unfair. Which is why I want food with a calorie count in the triple digits. And alcohol content in the double digits. And a treadmill to which I can give a single digit. My middle finger.

xx
J

QUICHE LORRAINE

Pastry
120g Butter
165g Flour
1/2t Salt
1/2t Sugar
1 Small Egg

I'm sorry about the strange amounts above. I like this recipe but it gives enough pastry for 1.5 quiches which is just stupid. So I reduced it. Hence the strange amounts. That said, the extra allowed me to test this recipe with mini quiches as well so I can confirm that it works just as well for that.
 
Grate the butter into the dried ingredients to form fine crumbs. Add the eggs and combine to form a dough. Put in the fridge for 1/2 hour. Roll out the pastry and line a 24cm quiche tin. Prick the bottom of the case with a fork. Line with foil then add whatever you use for baking blind (I used rice). Cover with clingfilm and put in the fridge for 30 minutes. Remove the clingfilm and bake at 180C for 20 minutes. Remove the rice and foil then brush with a beaten egg. Bake for another 20 minutes until lightly golden. Allow to cool.

Filling
 
1T Butter
1T Oil
200g Good quality ham chopped
200g Leeks sliced
3 Eggs
1 Egg yolk
200ml Cream
Nutmeg

Fry the ham in the butter and oil until just starting to crisp then drain on kitchen towel. Fry the leeks, cover with a lid and cook until soft. Whisk the eggs with the cream then season. Scatter the leeks in the pastry case and top with the ham. Fill with the custard. Bake at 180C for 30-35 minutes. If doing the mini quiches blind bake for 10 minutes then for another 10 minutes to brown. Bake with custard for 15 minutes.

ROAST FENNEL AND ROSEMARY BREAD

2T Butter
2T Oil
4 Small fennel bulbs
125ml Orange juice
125ml Vegetable stock
40ml White wine
Zest of 1/2 lemon
5 Peppercorns
2c Flour
1T Baking powder
1t Salt
2 Eggs
300ml Buttermilk
125ml Vegetable oil
80ml Parmesan
2 Sprigs rosemary

Trim the bottom off the fennel bulbs and discard the stems. Cut into quarters. Fry in the butter and oil until golden. Add the juice, stock, wine, zest and peppercorns and simmer for 5 minutes. Transfer to an oven dish and roast for 25 minutes at 400F. Cool and drain.

Combine everything from flour onwards except for the rosemary. Oil a bread tin and fill with half the batter. Cover with most of the fennel then with the rest of the batter. Stick in the last of the fennel and the rosemary. Bake for 40 minutes.