Call My Bluffet

After months of being in hiding thecoocoocook abducted my brain and my mouth and when the lights came back on I had somehow invited five ladies to a buffet. And they weren't riffraff either. These are classy chicks. With posh palates. What was she THINKING? Here I am, of late rendered too culinary challenged and insecure to toast bread, neck deep in martyrdom, mourning my perceived loss of my cooking talents. And she throws me in the fire. Traitorous bitch. 

Have I been enjoying my dry spell? My gastronomic writers block? No. Sorta. Feeling sorry for myself has its benefits. Where else would I get a good excuse to drink?

But all in all nothing makes me happier than the planning, the research, the recipes, the shopping list, the todo list, the preparation, the presentation, the taste and the immense satisfaction. Even when it's not great. Because I learnt what NOT to do and that was good too. Until I started being so damn hard on myself.

Thanks to the inadvertent buffet I was forced to bluff my way through it. And that's thanks to thecoocoocook and her big mouth. It turns out being a crackpot is all it's cracked up to be. 

xx

J

CAESAR SALAD

This salad contains lots of really cool stuff that aren't technically necessary. But they're cool. Up to you, and your location of course. (God knows, if I mention caperberries in Saldanha in no time the Weslander will be reporting that "Homegrown Girl Introduces West Coast To Hip City Drugs"). So substitute is the Word of the Day. If you can't find caperberries use regular capers. If you can't find white anchovies don't use brown ones (they're too salty), just leave it out. And obviously you can use regular eggs if you can't find quail, but halve the amount. Obviously. As for the dressing, you can cheat and use any storebought Caesar Salad Dressing - I like Ina Paarman's. (Apologies to my mother who hates her, based on a mysterious encounter way back when I was in diapers).

Salad

60-80g Mixed salad leaves

180g Chicken breast

8 Rashers streaky bacon

6 White anchovies

6 Quail eggs (I could only find pickled ones from Woolworths)

1/4c Caperberries

1/2c Croutons

Parmesan shavings

Slice the chicken breast thinly and fry slowly until just done but not browned. Season and cool completely. For the bacon, use very little oil, or a spray, and keep the heat really really low. Leave it to do its thing for 20 minutes or so, checking every now and again to turn over if necessary. You can't rush bacon crisping. Once very crisp drain on kitchen towel, allow to cool completely and break in two. Toss with the chicken, salad leaves and half the dressing. Sprinkle with caperberries and croutons, decorate with quail eggs, anchovies and parmesan shavings. Serve with the rest of the dressing.

 

Dressing

2T Mayonnaise (not tangy)

60g Parmesan grated

1 Garlic clove crushed

1 Brown anchovy 

1/2t Lemon juice

1/2t Caster sugar

Mix everything together and process until smooth, adding water until you have the right consistency. I found that the parmesan made the texture gritty. There appears to be various schools of thought on that, but for me personally it was too gritty so I actually added hot water instead of cold to melt the parmesan somewhat. Season to taste.

SEARED BEEF CARPACCHIO WITH PEPPER AVO SALSA & HORSERADISH MAYO

250g Fillet

1T Black peppercorns

1/2T Salt

60ml Red onion chopped

80ml Red pepper chopped

80ml Yellow pepper chopped

30ml Baby capers or chopped capers

1/2 Avo chopped

1T Lemon juice

30ml Mayo

30ml Creamed horseradish

1/2c Rocket

Rub the fillet with salt, pepper and a little olive oil then sear over high heat for 2-3 minutes on all sides. Allow to rest for 10 minutes then wrap tightly in clingwrap like a cracker. Put in the fridge for at least 4 hours or overnight. Mix together the peppers, avo, capers, lemon juice and season. Process the mayo, horseradish and half the rocket with a little water to loosen it a bit. Smear half the mayo on a platter. Slice the fillet very thinly and place on the platter, sliding them around a bit to pick up some of the mayo. Sprinkle with the salsa and the rest of the rocket and serve with the extra mayo on the side.

SALMON TERRINE WITH GREEN OLIVE & VANILLA DRESSING

Terrine

 

250g Smoked salmon slices

100g Smoked salmon chopped

250g Fresh salmon

1/2 Onion chopped finely

80g Butter 

1 Egg yolk

1T White wine

1T Lemon juice

40g Clarified butter (slowly heat 60g butter until it starts foaming then strain through muslin cloth, it should leave you with about 40g clarified butter)

Use a terrine mould or, as I did, a small breadloaf tin. Rub the inside with olive oil then line with plastic wrap. Line the tin base and sides with the smoked salmon slices, overlapping slightly, letting the excess hang over the sides. Sprinkle the fresh salmon with 1/2t salt and allow to stand for 20 minutes. Melt the butter and fry the onion until soft but not browned. Add the salmon and the wine and simmer for 3 - 4 minutes. Remove the salmon, flake and cool. Turn the heat up and reduce the juices by half. Cool then add the salmon and the rest of the ingredients. Mix well then carefully fill the mould. Fold the excess salmon slices over and cover with the excess clingwrap, pressing down slightly to firm up. Put in the fridge for at least 4 hours (I made mine the night before). 

Dressing

1/2 Vanilla pod halved

5 Green olives finely chopped

3T Onion finely chopped

2T Green olive brine

2T Verjuice 

100ml Olive oil

1T Chives chopped

Heat the olive brine and verjuice, add the vanilla pod and simmer for 2 minutes. Add the olives and onion and cool. Scrape the seeds from the pod into the dressing and whisk the olive oil in slowly. 

Unwrap the covering clingwrap and put a serving plate facedown on top of the tin. Hold the two together and tip over. Knock the tin until the terrine slides out onto the plate. Carefully peel off the clingwrap, drizzle with the dressing and the chives.

PORTOBELLO AND SPINACH QUICHE

Base

 

100g Butter frozen in small blocks

320ml Flour

1/2t Salt

1 Small egg

1 Small egg yolk

50ml Ice water

Process until mixture resembles large breadcrumbs. Don't allow the butter to melt completely. Whisk the eggs and water together then slowly add to the butter and flour mixture. Don't overmix. Flatten into a circle, wrap in clingwrap and put in the fridge for an hour. Roll out to fit quiche dish. Spray with non-stick spray and fit the dough into the dish. Freeze for at least half an hour. I froze mine overnight. 

Heat oven to 190C and move rack to the lower third of the oven. Line the dough with greaseproof paper, making sure to cover the sides as well, and fill with dried beans. Bake for 20 minutes, rotate and bake for another 20 minutes. Remove the beans and paper and cover the outside crust with strips of foil, scrunching carefully not to damage it. Bake for another 15 - 20 minutes until golden brown, keeping a careful eye on it and rotating if necessary. Cool completely.   

Filling

1T Butter

250g Portobello mushrooms sliced

4c Spinach roughly chopped

1 Garlic clove crushed

5 Small eggs

200ml Whipping cream

200ml Full fat milk

1t Salt 

1/2t Pepper

350ml Strong cheddar grated

Reduce heat to 160C. Fry the mushrooms in the butter until cooked but firm. Remove and discard all but 1T of the liquid. Add the garlic and the spinach. Cover with a lid and cook until soft. Turn up the heat and fry off the rest of the liquid. Add to the mushrooms, season then cool completely.

Whisk together the eggs, cream, milk, salt and pepper. Sprinkle half the cheese into the base followed by the mushroom and spinach. Sprinkle over the rest of the cheese and pour over the egg mixture. Bake for 25 minutes, rotate and bake for another 25 minutes. Test with a toothpick to ensure done, baking for another few minutes if necessary. Allow to stand for about 20 minutes to cool and set. 

TRICOLORE PASTA WITH CASHEW & ROCKET PESTO

Pesto

50g Cashews

30g Rocket

10g Basil

60ml Parmesan grated

1/2 Garlic clove crushed

125ml Olive oil

1t Lemon juice

This will give you double the amount you need for the pasta, but you may as well make extra! Dry roast the cashews in a pan. Cool then process everything together. Check seasoning but you shouldn't need to add any - the parmesan will add the salt and the rocket will add the pepper.

Pasta

200g Tagliatelle (I made fresh, according to the recipe in the Giddyuppychef post)

10 Cherry tomatoes quartered

50g Rocket roughly chopped

1/4c Red onion chopped

125g Ricotta

Cook the tagliatelle, drain and immediately add about half the pesto while still warm. Cool completely then add the rest of the ingredients and mix through.

Giddyuppychef

You know what they say. You fall off a horse, you gotta get back on. I'm not so good at that getting back on the horse stuff. I fall off a horse and that's the end of equestrianism for me. Like WC Fields said: No use being a damn fool about it.

But let's face it. This is cooking. And I neeeeeeeed to cook. What am I going to do if I can't cook? Become the coocoocrocheter? I can already see it. Every Thursday I'll start researching doily patterns. And on Friday night I'll lay out my wool and those hooky needles and maybe, ooh! ooh!, those little bitty glass beads you tie to the ends! ... Please. Someone. Kill me now. 

So cooking it is. But thanks to Allison and my parents I didn't have to get up on that pony without some tools to boost my first ride. And I got seriously cool tools for my birthday. Allison raided yuppiechef for a pasta maker and an ice cream maker and my parents did two shopping trips to find me the perfect kitchen torch. 

The best part is, with my fragile culinary self esteem still firmly in place, new tools were the perfect antidote. There's no shame in screwing up with a new tool. Hell, it's practically compulsory. I mean, if it just works effortlessly the first time you kinda think, well hey, I could've done that myself! I also kept the recipes short and simple. Very low key. Very unlike me. But of course, this IS me. And thus, inevitably, vanilla ice cream became chocolate silk ice cream, crème brûlée became coffee crème brûlée and tagliatelle became ravioli. 

Agh, whatcha gonna do. You can't keep a coocoocook down for long. I stopped cooking and it just made me feel worse so I started again. Like WC Fields said: No use being a damn fool about it.

xx

J

 

LEEK AND MOZZARELLA RAVIOLI WITH CHILLI TOMATO SAUCE AND BASIL CREAM

 

 

Pasta

200g White bread flour

2 Eggs

I tried lots of variations, thinking this is too simple. But it really is that simple. I throw it in my 90 year old Kenwood with the dough hook attachment, let it rattle dangerously for 5 minutes and I get a beautiful dough. If you do it by hand you'll find your dough is speckled when you start. You need to keep kneading it until it's smooth and silky. It takes 5 - 10 minutes. Wrap in clingwrap and leave it to rest for 30 minutes. 

The method I found best/easiest was to break the dough into two pieces. Shape it roughly into a rectangle then put through the largest setting. Dust with flour, fold double and do it again. Repeat 6 times, folding every time. Then start feeding through again without folding, reducing by one setting each time. I get down to 2 before it's too long to deal with comfortably. At this point I cut the sheet in two and feed both pieces through on 1. Then I hang it over the back of a chair and leave for about 5 minutes to dry out a bit before I cut or shape. 

Ravioli

3 Large leeks finely shopped

180g Mozzarella grated

2T Butter 

2 Egg whites

Slowly fry the leeks in the butter until soft but not browned. Allow to cool then mix in the cheese and egg white. Season with salt and pepper. The original recipe called for smoked mozzarella, which I couldn't find, so I used Maldon smoked salt for a slightly different taste, but I don't think it's critical.

The dough gives me four long sheets of lasagna. I dot the bottom half of each sheet with four double rows of the leek mix, then cover with the top sheet. I pinch each dollop carefully, squeezing out the air and sticking the two layers together. Then I press out with my ravioli stamp. Makes 32. 

Chilli Tomato Sauce

2 Chillis chopped up finely

2 Cloves garlic crushed

750g Baby tomatoes

2t Sugar

500 Chicken stock

Heat some olive oil on high then add the tomatoes. Flash fry until the skins split. Turn down the heat, add the garlic and chilli, mash with a potato masher and fry for about 10 minutes. Add the stock and reduce until thick. Season and give it a few whacks with a stick blender but leave it quite chunky.

Basil Cream

100ml Double cream

150ml Chicken stock

30g Basil

Boil the cream and chicken stock together until reduced by half. Add the basil and process with a stick blender until the basil is finely chopped. Pour through a sieve into a clean pot and simmer slowly until nice and thick. 

To Assemble

Boil the ravioli for 4 minutes, drain and immediately add to the tomato sauce. Serve with basil cream drizzled around the edges.

COFFEE CRÈME BRÛLÉE

500ml Double Cream

175ml Full cream milk

30ml Coffee (I used Ricoffy - Lead SA!)

7 Egg yolks

140ml Caster sugar

50g Demerara

Heat the milk, add the coffee and dissolve. Keep warm. Whisk the egg yolks and caster sugar until pale and fluffy. Add the warmed milk and double cream and whisk until smooth. Pour into 6 small coffee cups and put the cups in a roasting tin. Fill with enough boiling water to reach halfway up the sides of the cups. Cook at 120C for about 1 hour 30 - 45 minutes until set. Remove from the water and allow to cool. Chill in the fridge for at least 4 hours. To serve, sprinkle with the demerara and zap with your trusty kitchen torch until caremelised. Do it quickly - you don't want the custard to get warm. 

CHOCOLATE SILK ICE CREAM

3 Egg yolks

1c Sugar

1.5c Full cream milk

2c Cream

1/3c Unsweetened cocoa

1t Vanilla extract

Whisk the egg yolks with the sugar. Add the milk and cook on low for about 10 minutes until it starts to thicken into a custard. Allow to cool completely then add the cream and vanilla extract and sift in the cocoa. Chill in the fridge for about 12 hours or, if you're impatient like me, put it in an ice bath in the fridge for about 4 hours. After that follow your ice cream machine's instructions. 

Can't Cook Won't Cook

I've lost my cooking mojo. My Coojo, if you will. He's in the Pet Sematary. (Well, at least I haven't lost my sense of humour.)

It started with an epic fail. The 2nd of April was my birthday as well as my parents' wedding anniversary so I planned a particularly ambitious menu to bulk package that with an early Easter celebration. I've often failed. Nothing new there. But this was the biggest cooking WTF ever. Everything I touched went to hell.

My parents were supportive and, with amazing restraint, managed not to fall apart laughing. Or puking. I tried to shrug it off, I really did. Until the chocolate mousse melted its way through the grid it was cooling on. It looked like Barbapapa had slipped and fallen through a sewage grill. It was awful.

It didn't help that I don't like birthdays. Every birthday all I hear at full volume is my biological clock tick tick TICKING away. Not the one wanting children. (Bleh, that clock never even struck one). No, the clock that's ticking away year by year is the one waiting and wishing and wanting me to get my shit together. Every birthday all I can think is: "Another year gone and you STILL don't have it together? Really? REALLY??"

The recipes below are from 2 weeks ago. (Tested and repaired subsequently, obviously). I'm still licking my post-birthday wounds so I'm not cooking. You know what I had for dinner on Friday night, my traditional cooking-up-a-storm-night? County Fair Frozen Chicken Nuggets.

Or as they're otherwise known - Misery.

xx
J

PS - Hey Stephen King, get outta my head!! 

INDIVIDUAL BEEF WELLINGTONS
 

Beef Wellington doesn't exactly fall in the quick 'n easy category, but you can follow any recipe for a whole fillet and do a fairly good job. The problem was that I wanted to create individual portions. It's not a new concept, there are lots of recipes out there. But I researched them to hell and back and tried all the tips. Subsequent to that tragic night I even made another 7. If anyone ever tried to make these buggers work it was me. (And my poor parents who probably never want to eat another fillet ever again).

So trust me, if you want to make individual Beef Wellingtons and you don't want big fat unattractive parcels with a choice between undercooked pastry or overcooked beef, this is the only way to go. And I know 130g seems small but it's very filling. If you want to go a little bit bigger, allow to defrost a little longer, but not fully or you're screwed.

4 x 130g Fillet
2T Vegetable oil

2T Olive oil
2T Butter
2T Dijon mustard
2 Shallots finely chopped
350g Mushrooms finely chopped (you can go fancy but button is fine)
1T Thyme
2 Cloves garlic crushed
120ml Sherry
1/2t Truffle oil
400g Puff pastry
1 Egg
Poppy seeds

Season the fillet. Heat the vegetable oil until smoking then quickly sear the steaks and remove from the pan to cool completely. Wrap each one in plastic wrap and freeze. Remove 15 minutes before wrapping in the pastry. (Freezing was my dad's brilliant idea. It's the only way to prevent a small piece of fillet from overcooking while you wait for the pastry to get done).

Melt the butter and olive oil and fry the shallot and garlic until transparent. Add the mushrooms and thyme and continue frying until everything is softened. Turn up the heat, add the sherry and stir until the liquid has evaporated completely. Season then zap it a little with a stick blender but don't pulp it too much. Add the truffle oil and leave to cool completely.

Brush a baking tray with oil. Without washing it use it to brush mustard all over the steaks. Cut the pastry out into four pieces and roll out to about 3 mm thick. Put a quarter of the mushroom mix (duxelle to you fancies out there) in the middle of the pastry. You can wrap it anyway you want but I found it easiest to cut a cross around it, like so:

Wrap firmly but not tightly, brush with egg and sprinkle with poppy seeds. Bake at 180C for 25-30 minutes. Allow to rest for 10 minutes before cutting.  

GRATIN DAUPHINOIS

 

I've loved this wonderful dish since I first learnt it in Home Ec in Std 6. (Sorry about the photo. It was the Beef Wellington night. Photography wasn't high on my list of priorities.) 

 

1kg Potatoes peeled
300ml Milk
250ml Double Cream
2T Butter
2 Cloves of garlic roughly chopped
2T Thyme
1/2t Nutmeg 

 

Heat the milk and cream gently - don't allow it to boil. Add the garlic and 1.5T thyme. Simmer on a low heat for about 3 minutes. Remove from heat and leave to infuse for 20 minutes. Strain, stir in nutmeg and season. Slice the potatoes thinly - about 3mm thick then dry them on a dish towel. Keep a few of the prettier ones aside for the top of the dish. Layer half of the potatoes in a buttered dish. Dot with some butter, season a little and pour over half the milk mixture. Layer the rest of the potatoes, ending with your pretty layer. Pour over the rest of the milk mixture. Season and sprinkle over the rest of the thyme. Bake for 1-1.5 hours at 160C. Keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't get too dark. I covered mine with foil after the first half an hour, then removed the foil again for the last 15 minutes.

Seablings

You can't choose your family. We fling that out there with a heh-heh and a shrug of the shoulders. But sometimes it hits home. If you'll excuse the nostalgic pun. 

I have one sibling. And my boet is a great man. I look up to him and adore him, though I try extremely hard to pretend I don't. That little bastard beat me up in my youth and humiliated me in my teens. Everything a big brother should do. I would eat scorpions rather than have him know I still think he's ten feet tall. 

But ten feet tall or not, the man's a lunatic. He came here this morning to once again, despite my persistent insistence that I've a fear of foliage, pitch up with clumps of flowers which he's proceeded to plant in my front garden. Where no doubt I will drive over them, step on them, my dogs will pee on them and at the end of the day they will perish and my big brother will once again be disappointed in me. 

That disappointment, however, will pale in comparison to the look of contempt I received today when he asked me for my outside broom. My OUTSIDE broom. WTF is an outside broom? I don't discriminate. My broom doesn't discriminate. What criteria, exactly, does he use to identify an outside broom from an inside broom? The same criteria, I suppose, that made him comment on the fact that my bin was dirty. My BIN. The shame nearly killed me. Not. 

So here's the thing. If I could choose my family, would I choose this little shit that gave me donkey bites, dropped me a mile from the beach so he wouldn't be seen with me, never (to this day) introduces me to any of his single friends, brings me fragile things he knows his fragile klutz sister will kill, the same one with a filthy bin and no discerning taste in sweeping implements? Would I choose him? No. Absolutely NOT.

And that's why I thank God that we can't choose our family. Because if it were left to a dumbass like me I would be without this wonderful man as my brother. And that would be an Absolutely Tragedy. 

xx

J

SMOKED SALMON MOUSSE WITH BLACK PEPPER GRISSINI

Salmon Mousse

125g Smoked salmon

1 Gelatin leaf

300ml Sour cream

2T Lemon juice

2t Chopped dill

Soak the gelatin leaf in water for 5 minutes. Mix together the sour cream and lemon juice and heat for a couple of minutes until warm but not boiling. Add the gelatin leaf and stir to dissolve. Leave to cool down then add the salmon and dill. Season and process until smooth. Pour into ramekins, cover with clingwrap and refrigerate for about 3 hours. 

Black Pepper Grissini

130g Flour
1/2t Salt
1/2t Sugar
1t Yeast
2t Olive oil
80ml Lukewarm water
1T Freshly ground black pepper

Thoroughly combine the flour and salt then add the rest of the ingredients. Knead the dough until smooth, at least 10 minutes. Needless to say, this is WAY easier if you have a mixer with a dough hook. Place into a greased bowl and cover tightly with clingwrap. Rest for at least 2 hours. Knock back down and leave to rise for another 30 minutes. Break into 12-16 pieces depending on the length you want. Roll with your palm on a flat surface into long thin sticks. Sprinkle black pepper on a plate and lightly roll the sticks in the pepper. Bake on a greased baking tray at 180C for 10-15 minutes. 

SEAFOOD BISQUE

Muslin cloth
3kg Crayfish & prawn shells
6T Olive oil
3 Onions roughly chopped
3 Carrots roughly chopped
3 Celery roughly chopped
3 Leeks roughly chopped
6 Cloves garlic quartered
1T Fennel seeds 
180ml Brandy
200ml Vermouth
150ml White wine
6L Chicken/vegetable stock
1 Tin chopped tomatoes
3 Bouquet garni 
90g Butter
90g Flour
1 Pinch - 1t cayenne pepper
300ml Cream, or more to taste

You could use any fish bits but I think the majority should be shellfish to get a richer taste. If you're using crayfish put a few at a time in a plastic bag and whack it with a hammer to break it up a bit. Fry the onion, carrots, celery and leeks slowly until softened. Add the garlic and fennel seeds and fry for another minute. Add all the seafood and fry until nice and pink. Pour in the brandy, give it a shake then set alight, leaving it to burn for about 10 seconds then covering with a lid to put it out. Add the vermouth, wine and tomatoes. Bring to the boil and reduce for about 10 minutes. Add the stock (adding more water if necessary to ensure everything is covered) and the bouquet garni. (You can make your own by making 3 parcels of 2 bay leaves+6 peppercorns+4 sprigs thyme+4 sprigs parsley. Wrap in a bit of muslin cloth and tie with string). Bring back to the boil, then reduce to a simmer and allow to bubble away, uncovered, for about 2 hours, spooning off the foam every now and again.

Strain everything through muslin cloth, pressing down to extract all the liquid. Clean the pot then pour the liquid back in and bring up to a simmer. Meanwhile, melt the butter in a separate pot then add the flour and whisk over medium heat for about 3 minutes until you have a thick paste just starting to change colour. Add a ladle of the stock and whisk until smooth. Continue until you have a thick sauce then whisk the sauce back into the soup. Simmer for about 5 minutes then reduce the heat. 

Season to taste and add the cayenne and cream to taste. Serve with watercress and crusty bread. 

Basta Pasticciata

Recently, in a moment of madness, I invited my cousin and his husband to dinner. I have no idea what I was thinking. It's not that they're not nice people, but they're practically strangers. I don't think I've seen them more than three times in the last ten years yet somehow coocoo here decides on a whimsical whim to invite her long lost cousin and his spouse over. Of course, I'm fairly certain they were blissfully unaware that they were lost. But theoretically to me they were: I cut ties as vehemently as Freddy Krueger.

You see, when you're born with a self-deprecating gene the size of Texas, or if it's been drilled into you via a Texas-sized oil drill, you assume you belong on Jerry Springer while everyone else belongs on Oprah. I avoid cousins, old friends, hey, even new friends, because I don't want them to find out about my litany of failures and weaknesses.

As it turns out - and this is getting rather annoying - I was proved wrong. Again. I assumed we'd have nothing to say to each other, yet we spoke until almost 3 in the morning. I assumed it would be uncomfortable and awkward but we had a great time. I assumed they'd judge me, think less of me, because I should be richer, thinner, white-picket-fencer. And did they? Maybe. Probably. But they were perfectly bloody nice about it and over the course of the evening they fairly and evenly shared their own imperfections.

And so I learnt a great lesson from my bold invite. We're all a little "pasticciata". A little "messed up". Some more than others, some less. Some might even look like they've got it all together but that's all it is - looks. No one's perfect. (Except Christopher Meloni of course, and both my guests enthusiastically concurred.)

Here's the thing: At the end of the day all we can do is take a chance. Reconnect old ties or reach out to make new ones. Then take all our shit and put it out there. And hope we're liked a little more than we're not.

xx
J 

CAREMELISED ONION, SALAMI, OLIVE & CHILLI FLATBREAD

Topping

2 Red onions thinly sliced
2 Chillis chopped
1T Thyme
2t Butter
50ml Castor sugar
10 Black olives pitted and quartered
100g Salami roughly chopped

Fry the onions in the butter until they just start to soften. Add the chillis, thyme and sugar and simmer on low heat for 10-15 minutes until caremelised.  

Flatbread 

2.5c Flour
4t Salt
2t Castor sugar
10g Dried yeast
1c Warm milk
4t Olive oil

Mix together flour, salt, sugar and yeast. Pour in the milk and oil and mix into a dough, adding more flour if necessary. Leave to rest for about 2 hours. Knock down and shape into four balls, then leave to rest for another 0.5 hour. Shape each ball into an oval then roll out. Fold the edges in to make a thicker border. Cover each one with the topping and bake at 180C for about 10 minutes.

VEAL PASTICCIATA

1kg Veal escalopes (you can use pork or chicken as well)
500g Mushrooms (I used portabellini and button mushrooms)
1 Small onion finely chopped
2 Cloves garlic finely chopped
2.5c Milk
0.5c Cream
100g Butter
75g Flour
150g Ham

2c Fontina/Gruyère/Mozarella

Fry the onion and garlic in 25g butter for about 5 minutes. Add the mushrooms and stir to coat, then cover with a lid and allow to cook slowly for 5-10 minutes until softened. Add the rest of the butter and fry until melted, then add the flour and stir for 2 minutes, ensuring it doesn't burn. Add the milk very slowly, whisking as you go along, to form a thick mushroom sauce. Add the cream and season with salt and lots of black pepper.

Fry the escalopes on high heat to seal and season. Place side by side into a large ovenproof dish. Cover each piece of veal with ham, cutting the ham to fit the shape of the escalope. Sprinkle over the Fontina and pour over the mushroom sauce. Bake at 200C for about 10 minutes, making sure it doesn't burn. Serve with fettucini and wilted spinach. 

 MINI TIRAMISU

400g Mascarpone

3 Eggs

1/4c Castor sugar

150g Lady fingers

1/4c Hot espresso

160ml Coffee liqueur

2 Leaves gelatin

I used mini cake tins, lining just the bottom with some foil. Since they're only about 10cm in diameter I cut my lady fingers in half and then sliced it horizontally too. I still had to break little bits off to fill the holes which was a bit of a pain but it turned out well worth it. 

Whip the eggs and castor sugar for at least 10 minutes until light and frothy. Whip 250g of the mascarpone until smooth then lightly beat into the eggs and sugar until just mixed. Soak the gelatin leaves in cold water for about 5 minutes. Pour 100ml of the liqueur into the coffee then add the gelatin and stir until melted. Brush the bottom of the cake tin with the coffee syrup. Lay down a layer of lady fingers and paint again. Pour over about 1cm of the mascarpone mixture. Lightly paint it with more of the syrup and continue with two more layers, ending with a layer of mascarpone. Whip together the other 150g of mascarpone with the other 60ml of liqueur until smooth then smooth over the top of the cakes. Cover and refridgerate overnight. When ready to serve put a knife into boiling water for a few seconds then slide around the sides to loosen and tip onto a plate.

Peri-Peri Jerry

I had sex with Jeremy Clarkson last night. There may have been almost 6k miles between us and he presumably had no idea we were having sex, but trust me, I know him much better this morning than I did after watching a gazillion episodes of Top Gear.

I have to wonder/worry about my subconscious. When did he/she decide that of ALL the McSteamy's and McDreamy's out there I'd have a flaming hot dream about McMeany? Look, I'd shag him any day of the week before I'd touch Richard Hammond (girly) or James May (missionary) with a barge pole. Truth is, he's so mean, so sarcastic, so utterly couldn't-give-a-rat's-arse that my subconscious is actually begging me to do the unthinkable with him. Even so, I've been begging my subconscious to let me dream the unthinkable with Daniel Craig too, but that request apparently got lost in the mail.

In the interest of full disclosure I have to say the dream was anything but a nightmare. In fact, that British accent and gravelly voice was pretty sexy when he told me to change gears. And he's way more energetic than he appears to be, I'm definitely skipping the treadmill today. So Jezza, no regrets. None. Whatsoever.

While I'm confessing I may as well admit that I once had an incredibly horrific erotic dream about Rowan Atkinson. So I give up. My subconscious is a sick puppy and I'm going to feed it. I'm going to download the Top Gear episode where Jeremy Clarkson interviews Rowan Atkinson and watch some porn. 

xx

J

PERI-PERI PRAWNS WITH SPICY RICE

Prawns

30 Prawns beheaded and deveined

2T Peri-peri

1/2c Garlic butter

3-4T Maizena

Put the prawns in a bowl and cover with about 2c cold water. Add the peri-peri, season well and stir through. Leave to marinade for about 0.5 hour. Melt the butter in a pan then scoop out the prawns with a slotted spoon and fry for a few minutes until pink. Add the Maizena to the seasoned water and pour over the prawns. Allow to simmer for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally until sauce is nicely thickened.

Spicy Rice

1c Rice

1/4c Red onion chopped

2 Chillies chopped

2t Minced ginger

2 Cloves garlic crushed

2T Butter

1/4t Ground cumin

1/4t Ground coriander

1/4t Turmeric

1T Coriander chopped

1T Lime juice

Melt the butter and fry the red onion until softened. Add the chillies, garlic, ginger and spices and fry for a couple of minutes. Add the rice and fry for another minute or so, stirring constantly. Add 2c water, bring to the boil, turn down the heat then cover and allow to simmer for about 20 minutes, checking to ensure the rice doesn't burn. Stir in the coriander and lime juice and season well.

MANGO & LIME MOUSSE

If you're gonna shag Jeremy Clarkson this is a lovely refreshing dessert to cool you down afterwards.

2c Mango pulp (about 3 medium mango's)

1/2c Castor sugar

4 Leaves gelatin

1t Vanilla Extract

1c Yoghurt

1c Cream

Zest and juice of 2 limes

Soak the leaves for 5 minutes. Meanwhile heat the pulp then add the sugar and stir until dissolved. Stir in the gelatin and vanilla and remove from the heat. Stir in the yoghurt and lime. Beat the cream until stiff then fold into the mango mix. Pour into 6 pudding bowls and grate over the zest. Chill for at least 4 hours. 

Shankadelic Baby!

Statistically, how often do you think someone breaks down and starts sobbing in an appliance store? Based on the horrified look on Brian the Salesman's face I'm going to guess not often. Well, he asked for it. You see, I went to buy a new stove not because I wanted to but because I had to. Replacing my deeply deeply loved old stove was a very painful decision which Brian should have considered before he asked me if I'd be "dumping" my old stove. Based on the amount of mucus on his Pep stores shirt I'm thinking Brian learnt a very valuable lesson on Friday.

My Defy Super Twenty was 46 years old. She was bought in 1966 when my parents got married and has fed our family and friends ever since. Though my mom officially retired from making anything edible a decade ago she used to be a cracking hostess that provided (the Mercedes owning) half of Saldanha with three course meals for 35 years. I'm surprised I didn't grow up thinking crayfish live in ovens...

So naturally when the new stove arrived I glared at it suspiciously. I was overwhelmed by the choice of four functioning plates instead of just one. Not only that but I switched a plate on and it was actually hot and ready for me. Very annoying. I'm used to switching my plate on, then prepping my veggies, downing a bottle of wine, learning Mandarin, watching a few episodes of Top Gear, and then, and only then, will it have reached a heat comparible to that of a manhole cover on a hot day. 

And let me not start on the oven. It has OPTIONS. Grills and fans and choices of where the heat must come from. It was like an interrogation. I was forced, absolutely forced, to down a bottle of wine once the shanks were in just to calm my nerves. That said, they were great. So we might get along once we've synchronised our coocooclocks.

But oh, how I will miss my big old shagadelic relic of the 60's. I owe her my love of cooking, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

xx

J

BAKED LAMB SHANKS ON ROOT VEGETABLE MASH

Lamb Shanks

6 Lamb shanks
1L Beef stock
1L Red wine
24 Baby onions topped tailed and peeled
4 Carrots peeled and roughly sliced
2 Sticks celery roughly sliced
2 Leeks roughly sliced
6 Cloves garlic thinly sliced
6 Bay Leaves 
2 Sticks cinnamon
2 Stalks rosemary
150g Tomato paste

50g Brown sugar

 

Season the shanks then brown on all sides in a little hot oil. Remove and put aside in an oven dish. Sauté the onions, carrots, leeks, celery, garlic and rosemary for about 5 minutes. Add the tomato paste and sugar and cook for another couple of minutes. Add the stock and wine and bring to the boil. Pour over the shanks then cover tightly with a double layer of foil and bake for about 2 hours on 160C. Remove the foil and scoop out about 1L of the sauce. Thicken with maizena and stir back in. Re-cover with foil and bake for another 0.5 - 1 hour.

 

Root Vegetable Mash

 

200g Parsnips peeled and chopped 

200g Carrots peeled and chopped 

600g Potatoes peeled and chopped 

50g Butter 

1t Baking powder

 

The parsnips and carrots take a bit longer than the potatoes so first boil them for about 10 minutes then add the potatoes. Mash it together very finely, add the butter and baking powder and season.