Pish Posh

It's not that I aspire to fanciness. I love my skop-skiet-n-donner bredies. But sometimes a girl just wants to get her posh on. I was waiting to be called in for my first mammogram and in order to contain my excitement about Big Bertha turning my clementines into crumpets I scoured the magazines for distraction. In Miss Oprah's Mag I found a fancy little cocktail party with lots of recipe ideas that I immediately frantically texted to myself. (By the time I got called in I was way more concerned with the tennis elbow in my thumbs to care about my boobs so it worked out well.)

The problem with posh is, you can have the ingredients and the recipes but that doesn't mean you can pull it off with the nonchalance that the photoshopped chick in "O" did. I'm more like the "O No" chick. Put me in a ballroom gown and I'll be the one that rolls down the steps of the town hall. Put me in a fancy restaurant and I'll be the one that tips the glass of red wine over. Even if I'm not drinking red wine. I'll be drawn like a bumbling bee towards the person drinking the sweet nectar of the most stainable liquid.

Thus, true to form, my posh dinner started with early morning mass hysteria at the discovery that blue cheese does not equal gorgonzola followed by desperate research and rapid calculations to compensate and convert my panna cotta recipe. (Thank you Spar for not having cellphone coverage - people need to Google you know!!) This was followed by tornadoing through my clients littering computer parts in my wake. Followed by shopping through Pick n Pay littering broken-hipped-grannies in my wake. Followed by my garden tap being ripped out of the wall causing a gorgeous fountain-like water feature that turned my garden into an impressive mudpit. 

Only then did I, soaking wet, snarling and bleeding from fighting with a rusted stopcock, start on my posh dinner. Needless to say, the hostess was panting, sweating and swearing when her guest arrived. And late. (Well, technically only if you consider having dessert at 11:30 p.m. late.) Thank God for gin. And gracious guests.

No one can say I don't try. But posh? Tosh. 

xx

J

MUSSELS IN CHAMPAGNE CREAM SAUCE

CORIANDER CHILLI AND PICKLED GINGER PRAWN WRAPS
GORGONZOLA CARAMELISED ONIONS AND PINE NUT TARTS

Mussels

20 Mussels

1/2 Onion finely chopped 

1/4c Champagne

1/2c Cream

Steam mussels in onions and champagne for 5 minutes until cooked. Drain, reserving liquid. Add cream and reduce until thickened, adding a bit of Maizena if required. Add mussels back into the sauce, season and simmer for a few minutes longer.

Prawns

20 Prawns shelled and beheaded

2T Coriander chopped

2T Pickled ginger chopped
1 Chilli chopped

1/2T Lemon juice

20 Wonton/Samoosa/Springroll/Phyllo pastry cut to roughly 10 x 12cm

50g Butter

Marinade the prawns overnight in the coriander, ginger, chilli and lemon juice. Melt the butter and paint one end of the pastry, then wrap the prawn and glue closed. Heat oil to about 170C and fry for 3-4 Minutes.

Tarts

100g Gorgonzola

5 Onions finely sliced

400g Puff pastry

40g Pine nuts

375ml Cream

2 Eggs

Fry the onions slowly in 3T oil for about 20 minutes until golden and caramelised. Roll out the pastry fairly thinly then cut out about 8cm rounds. (I used a pudding mould as a cookie cutter - you should get 10 - 12). Oil a muffin pan and press the pastry rounds into the holes. Divide the gorgonzola and onions amongst them. Whisk together the cream and eggs and season well. Pour into the tarts then sprinkle over the pine nuts. Bake at 180C for about 20 minutes until set. 

PEPPER FILLET WITH BRANDY CREAM

(or in posh-lingo - FILET MIGNON AU POIVRE WITH COGNAC CREAM - ha!)

1.2kg Fillet

1c Black peppercorns

1.5c Cream

1/4c Brandy

2T Olive oil

2T Butter

Crush the peppercorns in a coffee grinder or in a plastic bag with a hammer (don't use a pepper grinder). Roll the fillet in the peppercorns but don't salt. Heat the oil until shimmering then add the fillet, searing for about 3 minutes on all sides. Add the butter then turn down the heat a little and cook for another 3-5 minutes, depending on how you like your steak done. Remove the steaks and leave to rest for at least 10 minutes. Add cream to the pan, scraping all the bits from the bottom of the pan, thickening with Maizena or flour if required. Slice the fillet into thick slices and return to the pan. Pour over brandy and set alight. Allow the alcohol to burn off and season to taste. I served mine with baked potatoes lathered in butter and sour cream. Try not to drool... 

BLUE CHEESE PANNA COTTA WITH ROASTED PEARS AND VANILLA 

This is the recipe that caused the drama on Friday morning because I couldn't find Gorgonzola and assumed blue cheese would do. It won't. To research I got four recipes for Gorgonzola panna cotta and four for blue cheese panna cotta, converted all the liquids to the same amount and then compared amounts of cheese. Bottom line? On average Gorgonzola used three times more cheese than blue cheese. So blue cheese is three times stronger, gettit?

90g Blue Cheese

600ml Cream

4 Leaves gelatin

4 Tinned pears drained

1.5c Maple syrup

1 Vanilla pod

1 Orange juice only

Soak the gelatin leaves in water for at least 5 minutes. Process the gorgonzola together with 200ml of the cream until smooth. Bring the rest of the cream to the boil, remove from the heat, add the gorgonzola mixture and stir until smooth. Stir in the gelatin leaves until melted. Oil panna cotta moulds, pour in the mixture and leave to set in the fridge for at least 4 hours.

Slice pears and pour over the maple syrup and juice. Cut the pod in half then slice open and scrape the seeds out onto the pears. Tuck the pods under the pears and bake at 200C for 20-30 minutes.