Chewing

I'm making granola bars. Who would've thunk I've thunk tho low. Don't worry, I haven't gone over to the other side. It's a supportive gesture, like chicken soup for flu. I'm making strong healthy snacks so my friend can become strong and healthy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about us. Pondering our friendship. Twenty years of it. Loving someone for 20 years shouldn't be scoffed at. But what do you do when it gets so hard that you don't know how to do it anymore. What if you give in abundance but you get scraps in return? What if you keep offering but you keep getting rejected? What if the lies outweigh the promises and the terror outweighs the trust? What do I do when I'm living in fear but you won't take my hand.

All I know is I love you. My memories of you sploshing with me in the rain puddles in front of Huis Piron are indelible. We never wore rose-tinted glasses for each other. It took me goddamn hours to scrape your puke out of the crevices of the car windows (you just HAD to have viennas didn't you). We're both spectacularly flawed. We've both screwed up solidly and frequently. But our love never wavered. 

I'm inconsolably angry at myself that I waited so long to get you the help you needed, which I now fear may be my last gift to you. Because I'm not sure I have the strength to see if you take it.

xx
J 

GRANOLA BARS

1&2/3c Oats

1/2c Sugar

1/3c Oat flour (you can ground normal oats if you can't find the flour)
1/2t Salt
1/4t Ground cinnamon
1/2c Wheat germ

1/2c Dried cherries

1/2c Dried cherries

1c Walnuts

1/2c Pecan nuts

1/2c Coconut

1/3c Peanut butter
2t Vanilla essence

6T Melted butter
1/2c Honey
2T Treacle sugar

2T Water

Mix all the ingredients together, use your hands to scrunch if necessary. Butter a pan, line with wax paper and butter again. Spread the mixture and press down firmly. Bake at 180C for 30 minutes or so, until it just starts to brown. Cool completely then put in the fridge, it's less likely to crumble when being cut if it's cold.